Tuesday, 12 March 2013

I Wish I Didn't Have This Body To Take Care Of

I'm not quite sure how to start this blog post. As I'm typing this I'm sitting on the couch in the apartment I am staying in this week while I get to know the team I'll be working with at my new employer, here in Germany. While this means that finally I'll have a stable income, a pleasant company to work for and the freedom to work when and where I want, things didn't quite go how I expected them to the past weeks.

What should have been bad enough already would be that my girlfriend and I have broken up. Stuff like that happens. You feel bad about it for a while and move on. Unfortunately this is not how it happened. To make a very long story short, my ex-girlfriend is occupying the apartment back in Almere. While she tells me that she wants me to come back and 'talk things through', I know that the train has long since passed that station and isn't even within a light year of it any more. Talking and 'fixing' is what we have done the past eight months almost constantly already.

The past hours I have mostly spent feeling depressed and crying, as well as feeling hunted. Part of me still expects my ex-girlfriend to just storm into the apartment here, or wait for me somewhere else. It's a feeling I find incredibly hard to shake off. Anyway... what would I be feeling depressed about and cry for? That despite so many things suddenly going right in my life I just had to get beaten up so badly, figuratively speaking, that I'm not sure I even want to get up again. I'm not a glutton for punishment.

Some people are trying to insinuate that my ex and I should talk things through, maybe via counseling. My ex has this amazing belief that because she thinks she loves me that everything will be fine. Love alone doesn't conquer anything. The past months that we spent together were in retrospect some of the most horrific months I have gone through in my life. At least when I was dealing with those horrible Dutch physicians and the like I could go home and forget about it for few weeks, if only a bit. No chance of feeling anything but this constant apprehension of being watched and scrutinized. If my emotional side gave out again and I simply collapsed there'd be no sympathy or the like. Instead I'd just get prodded like a cow on its way to the butcher's.

Love... intimacy... caring for another person. I can still kind of feel it deep inside me and imagine what it should feel like, but what remains of such feelings inside of me are now torn, ragged remains flapping in the wind. While traveling to where I am currently in Germany I couldn't help but look around at people and imagine starting a relationship with another. I'd feel something for faces and people I deemed pretty or beautiful, but it felt distant. I'd love a hug and someone who'd take care of me, but I also know that such a person doesn't... what am I saying, I know those people exist.

It all feels twisted inside my head. Traveling and adapting to new places, dealing with new experiences and new challenges. Meanwhile accosted by dreadful imaginations of what will happen when I'm returning to the Netherlands on Friday. Last week Tuesday I had to escape the apartment in Almere and spent time at my mother's place because things had become more than impossible. Ever got that sensation when you know that there's only one way out and that's by taking your own life? Yeah, that's what the past months have been leading up to, culminating into a situation I hope to never experience again.

It's best to go each other's separate ways if things don't work out. It's how adults do it. They'll try to fix things a few times at most, then decide that it isn't working out and split up in a calm and reasonable fashion. I'd almost long for such a 'normal' break-up. Instead I'm dealing with the impossible situation where I have essentially lost my home and possessions, forcing me to couch surf for the coming weeks, probably months. I wish I didn't have this body which needed food, drink and shelter. It's an unnecessary burden. I'd so much prefer to be just a presence.

My thoughts keep returning to that moment last week where I was lying on the floor as my ex just kept yelling at me for I don't know how long, with me begging her to please stop. At that time I hated having a body so much. Almost enough to eradicate it from existence. Regardless of whether I deserve it to live or die.

And that's exactly why my ex should move on with her life: so that I can move on with mine. At this point I'm feeling more stress and agony than I have ever felt before. I hope that I can keep myself together the coming time. If I keep breaking down emotionally pretty much every day lately I fear that there's not much more I can take. I'm also afraid to let all this emotional agony turn into hatred against my ex. Eventually it'll go like that, as I can all too clearly see how she's blocking my life.

Anyway, I'm pretty much just rambling now. I just wanted to put down how this current situation is affecting me, and how rapidly things can go from alright to insane. I'm so hoping for a mature solution to this situation.

I'm just a wreck now...


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