I don't really know who is typing this. It seems that recently I am no longer myself, whoever that was. Or is. I'm struggling with the word 'I' here, for there is no singular 'me' or 'I' as far as I can determine. These past weeks it's become ever more clear that something major is changing inside the psyche which makes up this individual which these distinct egos seem to inhabit. One of these egos is the intellectual one, which is probably the one who is typing this after having analyzed the situation and reasoned that writing a blog post about it is pertinent and useful. As an analytical tool it probably is.
There are so many different egos fighting for dominance inside this individual's mind at this point, it is most confusing. Whether this is due to the walls between the personality fragments which formed the Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) - also known as multiple personality disorder - weakening or disintegrating is hard to say. At any rate the sense of 'self' and a singular goal in life is almost impossible to determine at this point.
Of course there is the intellectual personality (ego) as pivotal point in all of this, always there to keep track of things. The more fleeting and unpredictable egos are those which could be said to be those of a happy, innocent child, of a regular, beautiful woman, of a heavily traumatized person desperately clawing at the walls of its prison, of the uncertain, frightened person which I recognize from my childhood, of the hateful, angry person who wants to crush everything, and so on and on. Each of them make regular appearances, in a way which I recognize as akin to dealing with the DID personality fragments, only that until last year they would be compartmentalized, with each easy to control and keep track of. This separation seems to be gone now.
Instead every moment feels more like looking at a collection of mirror shards, each of them oriented and shaped slightly different giving the impression that one is not looking at a singular person, but many different ones at the same time. It's a constant chatter of impressions which one could call 'voices' in some way. They're the thoughts, wishes, demands, fears, rage, terror and so on of all of these egos, blending together into this impossible to separate mess, akin to being at a very busy party. Before it would be just one ego forcing itself upon me, projecting all of its thoughts and feelings upon me. Now it's all of them at once.
I'm not sure how 'I' will cope with this or how or whether it will change any time soon. So far it's only getting stronger and harder to control. It's gotten to the point where all I can do is force myself to focus on intellectual activities while ignoring everything outside this room I'm sitting in. I can not deal with the outside world any more. Every single trigger for any of my traumas has increased in strength at least ten-fold. Isolating myself from human society in every way but intellectual ones seems like my only refuge at this point.
I wish I would get help. I could get rid of many of these egos just by having the medical confusion and terror stop. At this point I'm forced to conceit that it is most unlikely that it will work out with finding a surgeon for this final surgery. The one I found before isn't responding to emails for weeks now and making a phone call to the clinic isn't possible for me unless I am willing to accept an emotional breakdown as possible consequence based on previous experiences. Without help it seems that I can only isolate myself further and hope I won't end up succumbing.
While some of these egos want to die so badly, I - the intellectual, rational ego - isn't quite ready for anything as drastic as that. I am however most limited in my available options. Ensuring that I perform the tasks which are required of me and ensuring that this body is fed and kept in a properly maintained state is all that I can do at this stage. Interference from other egos at some stage with these activities can however not be excluded. It has happened before that take-over by other egos has resulted in physical injury, no intake of food and drinks for days or longer and other such self-destructive behaviour.
I beg of any who may be reading this to please help me. Help this body. Help me contain and deal with this personality fragments. I do not know for how much longer this can go on. The numb sensation indicating a separation from mind and body significantly increased today, indicating severe dissociation leading towards self-neglect and self-destruction. I can not solve this by myself.