Sunday, 23 February 2014

All That's Left Are Fragments

I don't really know who is typing this. It seems that recently I am no longer myself, whoever that was. Or is. I'm struggling with the word 'I' here, for there is no singular 'me' or 'I' as far as I can determine. These past weeks it's become ever more clear that something major is changing inside the psyche which makes up this individual which these distinct egos seem to inhabit. One of these egos is the intellectual one, which is probably the one who is typing this after having analyzed the situation and reasoned that writing a blog post about it is pertinent and useful. As an analytical tool it probably is.

There are so many different egos fighting for dominance inside this individual's mind at this point, it is most confusing. Whether this is due to the walls between the personality fragments which formed the Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) - also known as multiple personality disorder - weakening or disintegrating is hard to say. At any rate the sense of 'self' and a singular goal in life is almost impossible to determine at this point.

Of course there is the intellectual personality (ego) as pivotal point in all of this, always there to keep track of things. The more fleeting and unpredictable egos are those which could be said to be those of a happy, innocent child, of a regular, beautiful woman, of a heavily traumatized person desperately clawing at the walls of its prison, of the uncertain, frightened person which I recognize from my childhood, of the hateful, angry person who wants to crush everything, and so on and on. Each of them make regular appearances, in a way which I recognize as akin to dealing with the DID personality fragments, only that until last year they would be compartmentalized, with each easy to control and keep track of. This separation seems to be gone now.

Instead every moment feels more like looking at a collection of mirror shards, each of them oriented and shaped slightly different giving the impression that one is not looking at a singular person, but many different ones at the same time. It's a constant chatter of impressions which one could call 'voices' in some way. They're the thoughts, wishes, demands, fears, rage, terror and so on of all of these egos, blending together into this impossible to separate mess, akin to being at a very busy party. Before it would be just one ego forcing itself upon me, projecting all of its thoughts and feelings upon me. Now it's all of them at once.

I'm not sure how 'I' will cope with this or how or whether it will change any time soon. So far it's only getting stronger and harder to control. It's gotten to the point where all I can do is force myself to focus on intellectual activities while ignoring everything outside this room I'm sitting in. I can not deal with the outside world any more. Every single trigger for any of my traumas has increased in strength at least ten-fold. Isolating myself from human society in every way but intellectual ones seems like my only refuge at this point.

I wish I would get help. I could get rid of many of these egos just by having the medical confusion and terror stop. At this point I'm forced to conceit that it is most unlikely that it will work out with finding a surgeon for this final surgery. The one I found before isn't responding to emails for weeks now and making a phone call to the clinic isn't possible for me unless I am willing to accept an emotional breakdown as possible consequence based on previous experiences. Without help it seems that I can only isolate myself further and hope I won't end up succumbing.

While some of these egos want to die so badly, I - the intellectual, rational ego - isn't quite ready for anything as drastic as that. I am however most limited in my available options. Ensuring that I perform the tasks which are required of me and ensuring that this body is fed and kept in a properly maintained state is all that I can do at this stage. Interference from other egos at some stage with these activities can however not be excluded. It has happened before that take-over by other egos has resulted in physical injury, no intake of food and drinks for days or longer and other such self-destructive behaviour.

I beg of any who may be reading this to please help me. Help this body. Help me contain and deal with this personality fragments. I do not know for how much longer this can go on. The numb sensation indicating a separation from mind and body significantly increased today, indicating severe dissociation leading towards self-neglect and self-destruction. I can not solve this by myself.



Kailana S. Alaniz said...

Maya there comes a time when you'll understand that in order to be happy you have to do your best to let go of the past. Continuing to dwell on every mistake of the past whether you or another made it does no good. Be happy , concentrate on tomorrow, look forward to the future and carve your own destiny and mold your future into whatnyounwant it to be.

Best wishes always.

Filippo Salustri said...

I'm only an engineer, so it's not clear to me that any advice I could share would be good.

All I can suggest is this: focus on the moment, be present here and now, look at the beauty around you and try to surround yourself with it. Life is good, and difficult, and bright, and sharp, and challenging, and it never ever stops surprising you.

And remember that you have friends.

PHS said...

Maya, you're rational self is correct, you are a unique and valuable person who deserves to continue to live so she can integrate and thrive. Please contact these kind people for help:

Telefonseelsorge Deutschland
Hotline: 0800 1110 111
Hotline: 0800 1110 222

Do it right away, please!

Patrick Horgan said...

Love you girl. Sometimes we just have to endure when things are horrible. Hopefully, probably, things will be better later. I don't want to let you go out into whatever comes next. You are wonderful. You are important. You touch a lot of us.

Rebecca Farquharson said...

I feel the same. My analytical mind (ego) seems miles away from my reactive mind (id) and as a result my analytical abilities have diminished. I once had a high IQ now I am a tractable mental retard. Maya, they do it deliberately. They know how to break the most strong of minds, by denying all truth, verging away from all known facts. They have done it to me but I want you to know, they cannot stop me and they cannot stop you. My first proper out of body experience was last year. The only thing that kept me going was the angry aggressive, almost mycelium-like need to contain what should be mine. I fought my way back and I have vowed that I shall get justice if I have to force it. To forget what has happened is not the right thing to do, because they are animals, they have done it to me also they have done it to you so they'll fo it again and again and again until they are stopped by force. They must be stopped. They have gone too far to simply resign themselves. I wish I could meet up with you to talk to you. Tell you what my purpose is on this planet. You need to stop pretending to be a cat and admit you are a weapon that everybody sees as symbolically as a snake. They mention it, they say silly things about you reminding themselves of a snake that you never understood. If that be it, then let them know it, scare them into submission. A life of lies is not a life worth keeping.

Patrick TenHoopen said...

Hello Maya. Please hang in there! Good things are coming your way and life will get better.

In the meantime, take the good advice about letting the past go and focus on the future. Pop in one of your favorite movies or crack open a good book. This will remind you of the joy you can feel.

Also, there is no harm in seeking professional help for dealing with your feelings.

Fragments can be made whole again.


Colin Jenkins said...

Maya,our god is a jealous god, and when we are given the gifts of intellect others are taken away. WE need to understand the hell of life in order to enjoy the highs, we cannot have it all, and you are such a gifted and beautiful person that you will enjoy those highs.A kiss and love to you.

MyHowTo said...

I'm in no way qualified to offer you any advice on this subject. I can only say that I have enjoyed the things you have shared, both good and bad, and even when the difficult circumstances present themselves I always think that there is someone out there who is reading your words and taking strength from them, and maybe knowing that can return some strength to you. I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as coincidence and that everything truly does happen for a reason. Those reasons may not always be clear to us, or even known at all. Perhaps you have inspired or saved someone who will go on to something great, or perhaps influence another who will influence another. I don't know. All I know is that you are a vibrant, beautiful soul, and the world would be robbed without you. Hang tough, Maya. The silver lining is there and will find it's way to you.