Thursday, 22 May 2014

I'm An Activist, Scientist, Developer, Charlatan, Liar

A while ago I was having a Skype video chat with a group of American High School students at the request of one of them, who was holding a presentation about the topic of intersex. Through these and many media experiences I have come to realize that to many in the outside world I'm being regarded as an intersex activist. Someone who fights for the human rights of intersex individuals. Among these US students I drew a lot of interest, with many of them either hearing about the topic for the first time, or seeing and talking with an intersex person for the first time. I realize that these appearances are doing a lot of good.

Another aspect of me which I think I should be proud of is that of my scientific mind. Never ceasing to ask questions about how things work and always seeking to gain a better understanding of this world and universe we live in. Then to build new cool software and devices to further help this cause using the developer and engineering side of my personality. My ambitions are endless, their execution only hampered by how society treats me for how I was born.

And still I fight. To prove that I'm a developer and scientist by trying to show that I am right in the face of disbelief. To ascertain my claim that I am intersex as supported by some but not other physicians, as I honestly have no clue what else could be the matter with me. There doesn't seem to be an end to the fighting and proving. Just the endless demands, setbacks, queries for help and the postponing of any dreams I may have left.

My recent medical experiences in Germany turned sour when a third surgeon got involved, which resulted in any new tests being cancelled. At this point it doesn't appear that anything new will happen. I can't be bothered to fight it any more. I have no absolute proof that I have any specific intersex condition. I'm still being questioned on all my claims. At this point I'm not sure I care any more. I just hope that the surgery in just over a month will go ahead, even if it's incomplete, and even if it will work out or not. I don't care if I die on the operating table. All that I want to escape is the endless medical inquiries and questioning of every single aspect of my body and with it me as a person. With it the feeling the I'm deceiving everything with my fantastic stories of being a hermaphrodite. It burdens me to know that I am quite likely a liar and deceiving myself as well.

With my body essentially a useless, horrible shell like this, the other aspects of my being become ever so more important to me. That's where being put to question as a developer as the most recent development really hits hard. To me being a good software developer isn't just something I earn my living with. It's one of the last shards I have left of myself, of how I can define 'me' as a person and an existence.

I don't think I'll ever get my body back. I never had a body anyway. All those years that I was lied to about it being a male body, then the controversy about whether it is a male or intersex body. I don't know what is true. I cannot go and question everything every doctor says just because I think it has to be a certain way. In the end there's nothing that is certain. Everything just shifts and twists, including the basic facts about who and what I am and what this body is. Everything I say therefore is both an absolute truth and a complete lie.

I am still well-aware enough of things that I realize that these past weeks my dissociative identity disorder (DID) is getting worse and worse, much like my PTSD. Between constant triggers for the former and the enduring stress forcing my mind to protect itself by encapsulating all of the cancerous growths which threaten my sanity, it's a downright miracle that I'm still able to function so well. I am also aware of that this situation cannot last long. At this rate I will collapse, burn-out or worse. There is nothing I can do about it, much like I have never been able to steer or control my life in any form or shape. That's something reserved for the 'proper' humans. Not freaks like me. There's just forced surgery and the asylum for us.

I should stop worrying and learn to love fatalism.



Jason Speechley said...

Maya, regardless of what other people try and tell you, you are a beautiful person inside and out. You are warm and caring. Plus you have a lovely sense of humour and cuteness which I adore.
You also have a brilliant mind capable of any task you set it to.

And yes, you are seen as a human rights activist to many people. But your cause is a noble one. And you have made a difference. You have generated so much awareness and opened so many minds to the truth that gender and sex are not binary.

These are qualities to be proud of
I'm proud of you :)

I've known you for a while now Maya, and I see only femininity in your personality, mannerisms and your physical appearance. Whether you're officially female, male or hermaphrodite makes no difference to how I feel about you. I know the real you

I am desperately hoping the surgery next month will be a success, and that you can then get treatment for your PTSD. I think that is your biggest danger, and what worries me the most.

Please take care

I love you Maya

Patrick Horgan said...

Oh, Maya, I hesitate to say this, in case I am misunderstood, but, here it is. I love you. I think you are perfect, however it comes out. I don't mean that I want to date you, you are way too young for me, lol, I just mean that You I Love. You. Exactly you. Perfectly you. I don't know or care about the results of the surgery except to hope hope hope that it brings peace to you, but I don't care. You are my joy. You are the girl that perseveres. You are the one that shares even the pain in the hope that someone will be eased, you are my goddess, my hero. I fear that I burden you, but really, to me, you are bigger than life. You, through your willingness to face pain, and your courage to move forward, no matter what are amazing. A goddess. I hope you don't feel that I expect too much. I don't. I just think it is fucking amazing that you exist. You might not see it. It's OK.