Showers are a necessity. Nobody wants to have greasy hair and smell funny. That doesn't mean that I have to like them in any way, shape or fashion. In fact, I hate taking showers. The simple reason for this is that I hate this body I was born into. I hate having to take care of a body I'll never be able to love or want to care for.
Actually that's not quite true. I would never consciously destroy or harm this body. That's why I refuse to partake in the many drugs and toxins-fuelled habits the average human engages in on a regular basis. Yet I still hate this body. I do my best to just quietly ignore that it's there. It's an annoyance when it reminds me that it's still there and when I realize that I have to maintain it again through things like taking a shower.
Sure, feeling the warm water on my skin feels pleasant. Yet I do not care in the slightest for seeing this body of mine in much detail. I always maintain that I do not hate any of the physicians who have and are still hurting me on a daily basis. I try not to hate anything as a matter of principle, as hate is the bleakest, most useless of emotions. Yet at some point frustration and bitterness have to find a way out.
I was doing pretty okay today, until taking that shower earlier. Being confronted with this body I loathe because I can never love it for what it means to me is a very depressing experience. It's hideous and disgusting. A true freak show. And still I have to gently take care of it, even though I'd rather destroy it completely and utterly. It doesn't even matter whether someone else could love this body, because I don't.
Over the past decade this has to be the worst part I have lost. With no hope of ever figuring out what this body is and what it means to me it'd be better if I had no body at all. Realizing that I'll have to live the rest of my life with this hatred against my own body fills me with despair.
Maya
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