As the year 2014 ended and the new year began with a number of disappointments it seems to have triggered me to relapse into myself for a while, revisiting many memories and events of the past. Somewhere in there I should be able to find my self, probably. Nothing made sense any more and I didn't know where to go or what to do any more. Meanwhile one terrible flashback after another plagued me during the day. During my sleep nightmares and confusing dreams haunted me as I desperately tried to find the answers to my questions.
It's in many ways reminiscent of how I lived after I got raped as my first sexual experience. This happened now over eight years ago. First it took me a while to acknowledge what had happened. After that I could admit that it was a horrible experience. Then I blamed myself for had happened. I continued that for a while. What made me refocus my loathing and hatred against myself was a series of conversations with this woman at whose place I lived for a month. She told me about her own story of sexual abuse and rape. She told me so many details and how she felt throughout it all, but most importantly after it was finally over.
You know when they say that sometimes things just 'click' inside your mind? Acceptance is one of those things. What this woman taught me was that I didn't choose any of the things which had happened. That at no point did I invite the guy to do any of these things to me, but that it was him who forced himself on me. It sounds simple, but it's so very hard to reach that point. Not in the least because of the intense hatred and rage you then feel towards this b*st*rd who did such a horrific thing to you. Such hatred is good, for a while. Nurse it as it is your strength while you heal the worst of your emotional scars.
I never chose to be born smart, being gifted and all that. I didn't choose to go through an education system in a society incapable of dealing with someone with my way of learning and general intellect. I didn't choose to be bullied by classmates. I didn't choose to have this education system crush my spirit and make me feel worthless. I hate it for what it did to me. I hate these classmates. I hate everything about it so much. I didn't do any of it. They forced it all on me. I loathe every one of those involved for being such miserable, ignorant souls. Yet I no longer loathe myself.
I never chose to be born intersex. I didn't choose to get one incorrect diagnosis after another. I didn't lie to myself, others did. I didn't choose to be physically and psychologically abused by physicians and psychologists. I didn't choose to be brainwashed into believing that I had to be transgender or some other insane diagnosis when I knew very well that it was nonsense. I didn't develop traumatic disorders because I wanted to have them. I went to the limits of my capabilities and beyond to resolve the fundamental questions about who and what I am. I did right. I stayed true to myself. I can only loathe those who hurt me for being ignorant fools. In a way I hate them for what they did to me, whether it was knowingly or out of sheer ignorance.
Yet even with society bullying, abusing and raping me again and again like this, I'll never blame myself again. I don't deserve that.
Society screwed up. Society cannot deal with someone who is gifted, intersex, or both. I can deal perfectly fine with both. The problem in my life is society, not myself.
It's a simple conclusion, but it takes a while to make it all click.
Society should be more than just ashamed of itself. It should loathe itself for the sick, twisted nightmare of a rotting, puss-filled carcass it is. At this point there's no redeemable quality in it whatsoever.
Maya
1 comment:
I'm glad for your acceptance of yourself and your decision to never blame yourself again. You're right, society can be cruel. And it's even more frustrating to know that society is wrong but having no idea what to do about it. That's how I feel when I read about what you've been through. That's how I feel when I read about rape culture and white privilege and all the other ills of this world. We are all victims of hate, whether we are the targets or those brainwashed to accept it. The world just kinda sucks.
But we can't let that negativity rule us, or we'll be miserable forever. None of us is to blame for the world we were born into or the bodies we inhabit, and we can't undo what came before us that formed this unfair society. But we can control ourselves, we can love ourselves, and we can choose to learn and grow and refuse to propagate the hatred we encounter.
I've said this before, but it bears repeating: thank you for sharing your experiences. I've learned a lot from you, and I've shared that with others, so even though you might not realize it, you're making a difference. I hope 2015 is a wonderful year for you!
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