Sunday, 20 March 2016


The past years I have frequently had the same discussion with people: after they discovered that I am not in a relationship, the automatic assumption is that I need to get advice on how to fix that problem. Finally the conclusion is that I'm pretty and smart, but that I'll have to work hard on finding someone to enter into a relationship with since I'm not into heterosexual relationships.

Do I really want to enter into a relationship? No way.

Do I feel at all interested in hunting down someone interested? Not a chance.

Don't get me wrong, I am not single by choice, for much the same reasons why I have so few friends: it just didn't happen because of the course my life took. Even though I would definitely call myself an extroverted, people-oriented person, I currently find myself in the awkward position of (re-)learning this 'social' thing.

I was five years old when I began to withdraw into myself for some reason. It would then take decades for me to overcome that and begin the rehabilitation. This whilst significantly hampered by trust issues, post-traumatic stress disorder and other (psychological) complications.

The closest I guess that I have been to 'being in a relationship' was when a rather psychotic flatmate figured that I'd make for easy prey. In addition to losing virtually all of my possessions and money that way, it also left me with hitherto insurmountable trust issues when it comes to other people, let alone in the form of a relationship.

A few years ago I got to experience something resembling a relationship for a brief time and discovered that this experience evoked incredibly vivid nightmares and countless most unpleasant flashbacks.

Yet a relationship would make me happier, is the assumption.

I guess it could, but that is after the risky emotional confrontation of these countless traumas and the assumption that this incredibly rare person - who cares enough about me to work together with me through all of that - will still be around after such a harrowing experience. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, that's for sure.

In short, while I am not single by choice, I nevertheless wish that people would stop bothering me about it without understanding the complexity of the issue and stop making me feel like a bad person.


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