Saturday, 5 November 2016

Farewell pregnancy, for now

It was in June of last year that I first wrote about me discovering the signs of being pregnant, particularly the appearance of the vertical brown line, called 'linea nigra' on my abdomen. With an actual pregnancy being quite unlikely, I went through the medical madness of trying to have diagnosed what was going on.

The hints took a few months to trickle in, first in the form of an acquaintance who works in the medical profession informing me that this linea nigra can also appear when one has an excessive amount of oestrogens in one's system. This was followed a few months later by new blood tests showing that my own ovaries were producing normal levels of oestrogens on their own.

This meant that I was overdosing completely on oestrogens with the hormone therapy, resulting in the appearance of linea nigra, excessive PMS and other unpleasant symptoms. Since ceasing the hormone therapy - now about half a year ago - the linea nigra has virtually completely vanished from my abdomen and the PMS has become far more bearable, also without the general sensation of 'pressure' on my head.

In short, I was indeed not pregnant, but just going through a kind of second puberty, during which my ovaries asserted themselves by producing more estradiol than before and my body generally taking on a more regular female form.

The past months I have however become more and more acutely aware of a new pain with each period: that of a sensitive presence in my lower abdomen, located roughly where the uterus would be. Interesting here is that it's significantly more painful when I'm lying down than when sitting or standing, presumably because in the latter cases gravity and the midriff diaphragm would ensure that no other organs are pressing on this... uterus or whatever it is.

During many online discussions over the past months on sites such as Quora, the possibility of a hermaphrodite becoming pregnant has come up. For me it raises many questions. Once I was not supposed to have a vagina, but I do. I was not supposed to have ovaries, but I do. I was not supposed to have a uterus, but maybe I do as well? Even if I still do not have a usable uterus, it'd still raise the question of what I'd want to do if it turns out that my ovaries are capable of producing fertile eggs.

To be honest, they are not questions I'd really want to think about at this point. Not at this point in my life with all of the existing uncertainty and unhappiness.

At this point I'd prefer to get the reconstructive surgery over with, which would make it hopefully easy to assert whether or not I do indeed have a uterus or something like it, along with many questions regarding my period and so much more. Maybe after all that has concluded and the possibility of a pregnancy in some form has offered itself would I be prepared to hitch a ride on that emotional roller coaster.

I don't imagine that my life will get dull any time soon, at least.


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