Sunday, 11 December 2016

A safe and warm place.

I really want to leave Germany.

That's one of the thoughts I find myself struggling with today. After initially waking up this morning with the same migraine as yesterday, and the same horribly negative thoughts, including the strong feeling that I'd make a horrible mistake by moving into the place I looked at yesterday.

After trying for a while, I managed to fall asleep again despite the migraine, and woke up a while later with the migraine having subsided again. I managed to get out of bed, feeling very sick and weak, as well as very depressed. I found myself just sitting in front of my computer, trying to distract myself with YouTube videos, but feeling sick, nauseous and unable to really focus on anything.

It wasn't until I started talking with some friends on IRC that I began to feel better. Clearly it was a stress-induced migraine, and the source of the stress is absolutely related to my current living situation. Everything just feels wrong there. I don't feel safe, or comfortable. As I said on Twitter today, it's this feeling of 'me versus the world'. The dissonance of me struggling with something that keeps pushing me into a suicidal depression, while everyone else around me seems to not really care at all.

Nobody but these friends, who all live outside Germany.

It makes me want to move to where those friends live. I should maybe have stayed in Canada. Maybe I should have risked moving to Australia. Here in Germany I'm basically alone, fighting my own battles just like in the Netherlands. That's how it feels at least.

I have given up on the thought of buying a house here in Germany. It's too expensive, too much hassle and in the end I do not think that I'll stay in Germany much longer. Maybe it's just me being irrational and expecting life to be so much better in another country. Maybe it's just longing for this 'safe and warm place' which I mentioned in a Quora answer today [1].

In the end I just don't know. When I try to think of my situation, or what I can do or should do, my head just starts hurting, I feel nauseous and the migraine returns. I also cannot seem to stop crying since yesterday. I just don't know.

Rather than moving into a better place and improving my life, I fear that all of this is instead pushing myself so far out of my comfort zone and so far into unreasonable stress that I will just end up taking my own life to end the incredible pain. The urge to flee to another country is part of this as well. I want a way out, no matter what the cost.




Terry Hutt said...

Hi Maya,

I understand how you feel. I have felt that way before, as I am from Canada and now live in Ireland. I suggest you look at Ireland as a possible place to relocate, it is an english speaking, high tech country that is just now back on it's feet and moving forward once more. Also I find Irish people very easy to converse with and you will make friends very easy here. Plus they are sincere. Good luck with your life adventure and please feel free to contact myself if you would like to know more about Ireland.


celeph said...

Hi Maya, I just came across your website and blog after reading one of your answers on Quora. We don't know each other, but what you wrote sounds so familiar. We seem to have so much in common.

I'm from Germany and have been living in the US for the last 12 years. In all these years I went through a full range of emotions from feeling helpless, frustrated, angry, sad, stressed, lost, lonely, incapable, misunderstood, frightened, worried, guilty, ashamed, hurt and depressed to a point I wanted to give up and end it all. I used to have a lot of migraines, too. Sometimes, especially on weekends, I feel burned out, staring at a wall like a vegetable, unable to move or work on interesting projects I'd normally feel passionate about. When I realize how many hours went by wasted, I get even more frustrated. It was a circular thing that seemed to get worse with every year and the increasing realization how much time I might have left.

In all those years I haven't managed to connect with people or even find any close friends. It seems more unattainable now as people in my age have other priorities in their lives, their own families and responsibilities and jobs that occupy most of their times. But then it's mutual - I don't have as much time to 'hang out' as I did back when I was in school.

I often thought about the mistakes I have made in the past, what if... if I only had taken a different course in life. But I try to dismiss these unproductive thoughts quickly after they enter my mind. "It just is what it is" as they say here, and the best is to focus on the present, making the best out of it. I try to come to peace with loneliness. Especially after the outcome of this election here I have no desire to meet anyone. I rather spend my time with myself, work and study, and ignore all the bs around me.

Some 'demons' will stay around and continue to follow me, the guilt of having abandoned my family, not having stayed in touch with friends and cousins, not having been there when my aunt, grandparents, and my father passed away. It added a lot of weight to the troubles I already experienced in my 'new life'. Now after all these years, having settled into a somewhat stable life, I can't really imagine going back to Germany - I would have to start from zero again, as a stranger in my home country.

Sorry, I'm rambling - just wanted to encourage you not to give up and throw your gift and talents away. You obviously are an incredibly bright person, working in a field I could only dream of, in a place that may not be the best, but that provides somewhat of a safetynet. You also seem to be connected through various online channels. If you feel lonely in the real world, it can be a good thing, too. For instance, you won't have to deal with all the drama, small-talk, pop culture and general idiocy. Time heals all wounds - it's true. Over time it will get easier and migraines will disappear (except maybe some sensitivity to light). The paralyzing depression will eventually fade and turn into manageable sadness. Sadness and melancholy are part of the balanced cycle, can inspire and make you happy. How boring would life be without something to feel something about. :)

Maya Posch said...

@celeph: I cannot wait to experience this fading of trauma and depression. Just thinking about it is like its own little bit of happiness :)

celeph said...

It's interesting to read what I wrote here back in December about fading depression, time healing wounds, coming to peace with loneliness and not imagining going back to Germany etc. Did I really believe it? After having a good year in 2016, I experienced the opposite this year. In addition to periods of depression I developed some nerve and other pains that would usually last over the weekend into the week, get better after 3-4 days before it got bad again. I just spent two weeks at home in Germany. My first vacation in 8 years or so, met my family again (and this time not at a funeral), reconnected with two friends I have known for a very long time but lost contact to after I moved. I have to say these were the most relaxed and happiest moments I have experienced in all these years. Just to feel welcome and at home - and what a difference it made. All the headaches and nerve pains I've experienced in the last year, just vanished during these two weeks. Now I need to figure out how to keep it up and what to change when I deal with this life again, or the "post-vacation depression" :) How are you these days?