Saturday, 4 March 2017

It's all in your head, they said

Transgender. Autoparagynaecophilia. Transsexual. Just a couple of the terms which doctors and psychologists have thrown at me over the past twelve years in order to convince me that my body is that of a guy and that I'm just a bit funny in the head.

The past days I have been dealing with the same painful symptoms as I have for years now. Sharp pains in what would be the vaginal area, followed by painful urination and defecation, as if something is inflamed in the area where I also feel the sharp pains and putting any kind of pressure on it causes a flare-up of pain. Pressing on the skin in that area is also exceedingly painful. Suffice it to say that it makes really uncomfortable for a few days each month.

These symptoms always come at the end of what can only be described as a monthly cycle. The symptoms of which became most prominent after the surgery in 2011 which saw both the vaginal area temporarily opened and the testicles removed. After this, probably due to the decrease in produced testosterone and associated breakdown products, my ovaries were able to become far more productive, causing them to produce normal female levels of estradiol. In summary, I have a regular and pretty darn painful menstruation cycle.

"Well, don't you just totally look like a guy."

It's one of the things which I'll regularly say to myself as I look in the mirror, at the curves of my hips, narrow waist and further feminine curves. Usually it's meant as a joke, yet it's still a massive point of frustration and anger for me that someone with a body like mine could be put away as being 'male', when it so clearly is not.

The past twelve years have been a struggle to learn to see my body as it truly is, with many facts only slowly becoming clear. Many facts about my body were discovered purely by accident, such as the fact that I have functioning ovaries which is the reason why I no longer have to take artificial estradiol or other hormones.

Me being able to see myself as being female (primarily) has taken me more than a decade and it's an ongoing process. The resistance I get from doctors and kin even today is not particularly helpful in this.

When I feel these pains every month, with the mentioned stabbing pains, a numb leg and painful or numb arm, I feel worried that there are things which I still do not know about this body of mine. Things which will cause me endless grief and pain if they don't get diagnosed and treated as soon as possible.

This reality I live in with this body is all too real for me. Yet it's a reality which doctors and psychologists along with others seem to have a great deal of trouble accepting let alone understand. I have been accused of making things up almost constantly, including by the last surgeon.

Maybe it's just that my case is too unique and unknown, that it scares doctors and psychologists because they feel that they are running into the limits of their own knowledge and refuse to admit to this. A small number have admitted to these limits towards me, yet still felt qualified to make unfounded statements about my body regardless.

The worst part of all this is probably that this utter lack of interest by doctors and society as a whole into my situation makes me feel that there's no reason to have any interest from my side into them, either. If they don't acknowledge and accept my existence, I may as well pretend that they're not real either.

Of course, only a medical professional can quite deny reality in such a manner.


1 comment:

Evan Kopelson said...

your case is to unique an unknown there's no way that any doctor on this planet would have the experience to know how to help you, because of all of the things you've pointed out about the medical profession and how they treat intersex people. My heart goes out to you. I hate to read that you contemplate suicide as the possible only way out from a world that doesn't care. i've gone and read a bunch of your stuff now, and comments from others, and I know there's people all over the world who are inspired by you and care about you and don't want you to kill yourself. Please hang onto that. No doubt The pain and struggles you're going through as you are working to discover and heal yourself, are no doubt going to help countless others who maybe don't have the strength and perseverance that you do. You are leading the way. Leadership is often a lonely job. But it doesn't mean you're alone. Don't give up. I don't know how spiritual you get, or if you have experienced yoga or meditation, but I highly recommend it. If you don't have the Headspace app you should get that or go on it's free to start they have plenty of free meditations. Inside your core, at the very seat of your being, is the limitless essence of life itself. This is who you really are and beyond gender. Beyond color. Beyond thoughts and feelings. You are pure life and consciousness, all of us are. Breathe in breathe out. Watch the breath come in. Watch the breath go out. Just like waves on the ocean hitting the shore, and washing back out. for you, there is no doubt harder to get beyond the story to experience the essence of life. Underneath it all, beyond thoughts and feelings and stories and body parts, we are all just consciousness. you have a beautiful and unique story. Your gift to the world is sharing it. Thank you.