Saturday, 22 April 2017

The meaning of life when on death row

Imagine: there are two worlds, two realities. One is accessed via the internet-connected laptop you have, offering you contact with millions of people, access to a near-infinite amount of information and glimpses of a hope-filled and bright future. The other reality is the one you find yourself in whenever you aren't engrossed in the former world inside your laptop.

The former world fills you with hope and joy. The latter is the bleak reality of death row.

For years now I have had recurrent dreams in which I am walking through a crowd of people, all apparently gathered for a party or similar. They are busily talking with each other, all engrossed in whichever topic they're talking about. I do not talk with anyone, or even try to talk with anyone. Throughout this, I know with absolute certainty that come tomorrow, I will be executed, ergo why would I bother?

In these dreams, every time that I begin to feel interested in something around me, the feeling is immediately crushed by the bitterness of the futility of it all. Tomorrow I will die. None of what I do right now matters. Yet nobody around me can even begin to understand what I am going through. If they were interested at all, which none of them appear to be. I feel like I'm already dead and just wandering through the world of the living as a ghost.

I think that for me it all started around the time that I finished high school and before my parents divorced. That was the point where I began to fully lose any concept of 'self', or more specifically of what it meant to have a body. After being forced to move out of the house in which I had grown up, I fell back into myself, neglecting my body beyond the most basic needs to feed and clean it.

During the last year of high school I had finally found out one reason why I wasn't like the people around me, when a giftedness study at a Dutch university showed me to be both a 100% visual learner and highly gifted individual. Unfortunately this knowledge didn't come with associated help with how to deal with it, nor did it tell me what I needed know about what my body is.

For some reason it feels as though back when I still thought that I had a male body I had more freedom. Ever since I found out about my body being hermaphroditic have things gone from bad to worse. Yet I had to find out. I had to know. I did not expect to be punished for this. I did not expect that it would result in me suffering horrible psychological trauma, rape, beatings and getting locked up for crimes I did not commit.

That day in early 2005 when I first travelled to the gender team at the VUmc hospital in Amsterdam feels like the day when I got arrested and locked up for the crime of having been born like this. Over the course of the following years I went through countless appeals and medical examinations, all in the hope to overturn these charges of being transgender, crazy, etc.

Yet none of it seems to have changed anything. None of it matters. The medical evidence is still deemed contradictory, despite my body clearly not being male, what with a primarily female phenotype and natural female hormone levels and even a monthly cycle. It's all irrelevant. I'm still not getting help, nor will I ever be released from death row.

Dealing with the current eviction court case and the bleak prospects of finding a home only serve to reinforce what I already knew years ago: innocent or not, I will be executed. Soon the extra time I had for appeals and help will run out and I will cease to exist.

As a result I also know that none of what I might want matters, nor do any of my plans and hope for the future matter. Why would I work on any projects, or be really invested in work or getting money back from taxes, or feel remotely interested in pointless things like vacations, relationships and the like?

It all feels exactly like those dreams. The world around me goes on, but before long my existence will be snuffed out.

And none of this will matter.



God Resists the Proud said...

Maya, In those moments, it's too easy to take the bait of despair, we are primed for it in those moments. This is why we can't give it place in our hearts. I know it FEELS impossible, but we have to realize we are More than what it seems. We are MORE than the sum of our parts. We are MORE than hard times. Regardless of what hurtful people say or do, we are STILL MORE than their crap. There is much that has happened in this life, and it STILL is circumstance, and not caused by us. It FEELS like it's targeted at us, and it often is, but that's the horrid character of the abusers, that's who they are. It has a lot less to do with you, and a Lot MORE to do with them, because that's WHO THEY ARE. It's not who you are, it's who THEY are. It is very easy to let our eyes fall to the ground, but that would give place to circumstance. You're right, there's often things we can't do anything about. But we CAN choose ON PURPOSE what we do with our hearts, what we do with our eyes, what we fix our eyes on. You're better than all the hardship. I see great substance of character in you, great heart. You are so much more than you probably realize. You know that when temptation to let our eyes fall, strikes, that we don't see the truth about ourselves. Same is true with you, probably more so, because there have been so many liars purporting their garbage, and you see the circumstances, and those circumstances get amplified, like under a magnifying glass. We need to take the magnifying glass away from our circumstance, and step back, gain a different perspective, and imagine what we'd tell a dear friend going through the same thing, and then say it to ourselves in kindness and compassion. Maya, We can't afford to listen to destructive voices, even when it's coming from within. We have to be the friend to ourselves that we need. By removing the magnifying glass that's focused in on hardship, taking a deep breath, taking a step back to gain a bigger perspective, then we can realize that hardship is not the limit to life, because it isn't, including for you. Please Choose to be stubborn in choosing good, and lift your eyes to the higher perspective, the higher purpose, your higher value and your higher life. It doesn't pay, except very badly, to measure our lives by hardships. Using hardships to measure our lives creates A LIE, a false sum of a lying equation. It's a LIE. Put that measuring stick Down. You are FAR MORE than that. Hugs to you, from the heart!

God Resists the Proud said...

P.S. I recall your saying in one of your videos that the people in "the Bible Belt" didn't extend any comfort, acceptance or love to you. That was Wrong of them and heartless. I want you to know why my screen name in this Blog-format is what it is: I chose it a few years back when responding to those kind of people, who don't know the love of God or His heart. I haven't posted anywhere in this Blogging system since then, so I'd forgotten. Much love to you.

God Resists the Proud said...

P.P.S. Hardships are hardships, and you are you. >> We are Not our hardships. Way too often, (and we all do this) we confuse hardship with ourselves, rather than keeping them separate in our heads. We mustn't confuse circumstance with us; to do so is another Lie. ~ Please know that others have experienced the same temptations of thought that you have, temptations to despair, hopelessness, loneliness, grief, anguish, and ideas to punish Self. There are commonalities to the human experience, and you aren't alone. But punishing Self won't help; instead, it causes a whole new pain of Self-betrayal, that creates an even deeper form of anguish. Don't do it. Others have abused you, don't you do it too. This was not your body's fault; don't impose more suffering. Stand tall, raise your eyes, look yourself in the mirror, and love yourself. I know you are very intelligent, and that you know all these things; these are reminders, because we need loving reminders when gross temptation raises its ugly head. >> Peace to you, and love. You really matter.