Sunday, 17 December 2017

I must find that exceptionally challenging and rewarding job

I must. That's pretty much the summary of everything that is going on for me at this point.

For the chronic pains for which I must find medical help. For the worrying appearance of blood in my stool accompanied by the sensation of something rupturing inside my abdomen, for which I must also seek medical help. For the flaring up of my post-traumatic stress disorder and dissociative identity disorder-like symptoms as a result of the increasing stress I also must find more help and support.

For having been laid off from my job I must find a new job. For being jobless I will have to deal with the job centre starting next month and have to apply to at least so many jobs each month, or lose the welfare money. For being jobless I must find a job within a year or face deportation back to the Netherlands.

For fixing the apartment and eviction situation I must at least find a new place, for which I must first find a job. To rent or buy a new place, I must have a job.

All of this leaves me jobless, with chronic pain and psychological disorders which prevent me from functioning 'normally'.

I must fix it somehow. By myself. Even if it's impossible. Again I feel angry at myself for having wasted so many years on my intersex condition and backwards doctors without a shred of sympathy. I should have ignored it. Made a much more successful career. Then died in my 30s from sepsis anyway. Bugger.

It often doesn't feel as if there's any point to me fighting for myself any longer. It's just the same pattern every time. Few steps forward, then get kicked back to a worse position than before.

I realise that I could just settle for working a menial job at a dull company, but in that case I would have made it at my current employer as well, writing JavaScript or Java code until my brain started dribbling out of my ears from sheer boredom. I know that this won't ever work.

Ideally I would get a job in a more R&D position involving low-level software and hardware development. Working on interesting new technologies which will make the lives of everyone better. Something that can actually hold my attention. I already had to thank for a potential job offer this week because it'd just involve writing casual games (albeit in C++) all the time. I could do it, but would get distracted over time. That's what I learned about how my mind works.

My curse always seems to have been that I could never be 'just like others'. Not with my biological sex (hermaphroditic intersex), not with being just left- or right-handed (ambidextrous), not with my perception of taste (super-taster), or the way that I learn (100% visual-spatial learner, gifted & auto-didactic). None of this is my fault, all of this I was simply born with. Yet to then fit in regular society? Forget it. Been there, tried it, failed miserably, tried again and again until I finally learned that lesson.

I don't think that I would be happy in any other job than one which would challenge me intellectually and which appreciates me for being different. I guess I must keep looking... but I also hope that such a company is also looking for someone like me, and may stumble over my profile somewhere.

Can't hurt to hope, just to have that hope crushed, I guess.

Here's to that never-ending source of hope.


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