Saturday, 14 April 2018

Glimpses of a normal life

This whole intersex/medical thing is something which is like an annoying mosquito: even if you want it to just go away, it keeps coming back. Ignoring it will just let it get you in a different, nastier way. Me trying to ignore the chronic pain for a bit didn't work out so well. Since a few days it's back to the burning right side, numb and painful right leg and arm, along with the terrible abdominal pains, distended abdomen and lack of appetite.

Current suspicion is something like imperforate hymen [1] resulting in something like peritonitis [2], which would explain the distension of the abdomen and pains, along with the rest of the symptoms.

Even though I have been experiencing such pains for many years now, there has been very little interest from doctors. After the laparoscopy, two months ago, and the prompt dismissal by the gynaecologist of my problems being gynaecological in nature, there only really seems one plausible option for me to proceed, namely undergoing an examination by a proctologist.

To this end I have made an appointment for such an examination, scheduled for the end of next month. This will mostly focus on examining where the occasional bright red blood comes from, and whether signs of an anal fissure can be seen. If issues are found, then some kind of treatment will follow. It's unlikely that this will in any way detect the reasons for the abdominal bloating and pain, let alone fix it.

Despite the chronic pain and the way it drains me off the will to continue living, I have to keep believing that there is a way out of this situation.

Medically I can basically just wait for something to go wrong. If it is in fact peritonitis, then sepsis is a possible complication. Until then I am forced to continue with things as if nothing is wrong.

Currently this entails waiting for the results in the eviction case, which will likely see me being forced to find a new place to live along with a draining of my financial resources, seeking a new job and doing job interviews, writing a new reference book for Packt on embedded C++ development, along with stumbling ahead with my autobiography.

I so desperately want to believe that things can and will get better. That I will find a place to live where I am actually happy to be, that I'll find a job or occupation that will make me feel useful and appreciated.

That there'll be an end to this endless, merciless pain in my abdomen that makes my life into a literal living hell.

Along the way I keep meeting others who think that I will make it, who support me and want the best for me. It's tough for me to think about how I feel about life and existence in general. After more than thirteen years of doctors and psychologists treating me like trash, of suffering all types of physical, psychological and sexual abuses, along with incarnation and attempting suicide, I feel that I have tried just about anything that I can think of to make my life better, yet with me only getting punished for my efforts.

I also hate feeling like a victim.

I'm a victim of many uncaring, vile people. True. Yet there are other people out there. People who are so incredibly positive and supportive. People whose optimism I fear that I cannot live up to. Like this one person whom I met on Quora a while ago, and who has been doing his utmost to cheer me up, even going to the trouble of getting me better Japanese dictionaries than the ones I had, so that I have more fun doing translation work and generally using Japanese. To make my life that little bit brighter and more joyful.

There's also my best friend, who has been there for me during almost the entirety of those thirteen years. Despite his own problems, he always tries to be there for me, to cheer me up and make me see the brighter side of life. I'm not sure I could have made it this far without him and other essential people in my life, such as my mother.

I feel that I have to get out of this dark shadow of my medical issues and the horrors of living in German run-down apartments owned by vile landlords. That's all that is keeping me down and so unhappy. There is a way out of this. I just don't know how to reach it yet.

Just need to survive a little bit longer, I hope.



1 comment:

Tom Farrier said...

You don't have to live UP to anything, ma'am. Just live. Enjoy any little bright spots that show up along the way.

Understand that you yourself can be a bright spot for others as you live your life, too. Maybe it will be as a stranger looks at elegant code you've written or sees a picture of the world-destroying robot you've just lashed together with gum wrappers and taught to kill evildoers through Arduino. Maybe it's somebody who catches your smile in a library or a grocery store, or who can't quite keep from turning a bit as you cycle by. Maybe it'll be somebody who just grins in admiration as you make an obscure pop culture reference or terrible pun in a second, third or fourth language.

See? You're doing plenty without even trying. Accept praise, gifts, good wishes and move on. It's all good.