Even the worst situation can get worse

When I got forced out of the apartment which I had lived in for four years, I figured that it'd just be a temporary setback. I'd quickly get set up as a freelancer, and with the help of friends I'd find a new house or apartment to live in.

None of that happened, of course.

While the freelancing thing is something that's slowly coming along, this had its own share of setbacks. Worse, however, was the attempt to find a new place. Three months later and many dozens of houses and apartments later we've seen so many terrible places, came across a number of fresh slumlord locations, had the place given to someone else before we had a chance to look at it, or the person or agency behind the ad simply never bothered to respond.

Now on Friday my belongings will be put into storage and I'll be trying to find somewhere to sleep. There had been the hope that this place in the Alsace that we looked at on last Friday would have worked out, with the documents being sent to the agency and them saying that they'd put the rental contract together. Today they went back on their words and now they'll 'contact us about the place' in the coming days.


With everything that could have been firmly burned to the ground this way it makes me wonder whether it's a healthy idea to try and hang around in this part of Germany. Or Germany at all for that matter. It really does not get any better since I first moved here in 2013.

To be honest I do not know what the right choice is. There are some people and things here in Karlsruhe which I would not gladly lose, but not having a home any more and just drifting from shelter to couch and to shelter is not the kind of life that I'm envisioning for myself.

When to give up, when to keep trying? I don't know.


After the mounting stress of the past weeks I went back to something which I figured I had left behind me after trying out many years ago. Despite all that may be bad about alcohol, it does have this pleasant numbing effect that makes it work better than any anti-depressants and similar medication that I know of. It's not a solution, but it might just provide that little bit of buffer to keep me sane.


What will happen tomorrow, Friday, during the weekend or afterwards? I don't have the faintest clue. I'm almost afraid to try anything any more, as things just seem to fall apart. Then there's that part of me which has long noted that my struggling over the past fifteen or twenty years has been pretty much futile. That since those adults decided to lay their filthy hands on my 5-year old body, my fate has been pretty much sealed.

I'm not sure how I'm dealing with homelessness and the continuing hope that things may soon improve. It's been promised to me for decades now that things would get better. I'm honestly still waiting.


I also still think that most people would be much happier if I simply ceased to exist. Including myself.


Maya