Friday, 12 December 2008

Dodging Bullets...

No, Alianirlian, I haven't made a terminal decision. What I'm going through these past weeks I'd rather describe as a war, a war between rational and emotional sides. This war has really entered a new phase ever since my last visit to the hospital and is making my life more difficult than ever before.

At this moment I refuse to visit family as well as lots of other people, my phone is turned off, I quit MSN, and I have restricted my internet access to just a few trusted sites. This all purely out of self-protection, or self-preservation even.

The thing is that my emotional side has had it, has snapped, has gone over the edge, has flipped out, has gone down in flames, left with a bang, etcetera. I could write down a list of at least 2,645 instances of things which I just have to read, hear, see or merely think about and which'll bring me crashing down into the pits of utter despair and emotional distress. I can feel this despair and frustration churning just below the surface every second that I am awake, even if it isn't controlling me.

The knowledge that I can be relatively happy one moment, encounter one of the hundreds of possible triggers for my traumas and related, and feel like absolute and utter s*** for the next few hours, probably wearing me out so much that I'll need to sleep for a few hours... I don't even want to deal with people in general anymore, as at any point in a conversation they can say something which'll make me feel like that. Same with movies, music...

I've had an appointment with a psychiatrist last week Tuesday. Yesterday I got a letter informing me that I have an appointment with the same psychologist I had before during which he'll advise me on what next or so. This'll take place on January the 13th. My impression so far with the whole psychiatrist thing? Utterly useless. I'd be long dead and buried if I were to actually rely on them before they'd even finished working their way through useless, widely spaced appointments involving merely talking and tests. I can see absolutely no practical use here.

Equally useless is the medical system. I'm left with dozens of questions about my body, but no doctor appears to be interested to even listen to me. I'm still waiting on that report from the gynaecologist/sexologist as well. It is due to this that my emotional side has gone completely haywire. How can I not see myself as a freak, an abomination, a thing without definition, without a right to exist? When I talked to my GP earlier this week, she agreed that there is indeed no suitable description for me using which I could introduce myself to others. I'm not a girl, I'm not a guy, I'm not confirmed intersexual. Ergo I'm nothing.

I'm a faceless, identity-less human, a person with no further definition. Other than my intellectual capacities there is nothing, can be nothing. This is all I am, all I'll ever be. Why was I born like this? Why me? Why is this frickin' world so goddamn unfair? Why doesn't anyone truly give a damn, merely pat me on the shoulder and walk on? What the f*** can I do with wishes for the best or such nonsense. It won't feed a starving person either.

I've been dreaming a lot the past weeks. Those dreams have mostly been about this war, this struggle with myself and my surroundings. One dream repeated a few times in a different setting, these involved me getting close to a girl, with her then leaving me suddenly or something happening which made it impossible for me to ever contact her again. This definitely refers to how I feel that I've just been used by all girls I thought I got close to, who got their fun and then left me without giving me a second thought.

What do I have but my intellectual pursuits? Nothing as far as I can tell. I doubt there truly is that 'someone perfect' for me, and even if there is, my emotional side will never allow me to trust anyone ever again, or so it feels. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... there are times when I feel like I'm just a box, which, if someone were to shake me, would rattle loudly inside. And no glue in sight.



Doc said...

I just read your last 2 posts.

You know that life is long, don't you? Of course you're experencing a horrible situation; if you feel right to hide from the outer world, just hide. We all need to hide, sometimes.

I don't want to bother you, but that's my advice (ooooh! It's so easy to give advice to OTHERS, when you are not drowning in your own tears): you wrote about the 2465 instances list. Write it down for real: it can be a path to follow. Our unconscious part of the brain speaks through symbols. Metaphores. Images. Try to collect them if you want to know something ~and yes, generally speaking psychology sucks.

Because probably your not so hollow inside. You have many interesting things to say: I can notice it just reading your blog.

Carry on.

Doc said...

And I have to point out:

"I'm not a girl, I'm not a guy, I'm not confirmed intersexual. Ergo I'm nothing."

Maya, that's not logical.

To infer "Ergo I'm nothing", you should use this assumption: in the world only girls, guys and intersexuals exist. Thus if you are something, you shoul belong to one of these 3 groups. As you know, this assumption is a nonsense.

You say: IF I'm not A, nor B, nor C -> THEN I'm nothing.

Are you really sure? The good deduction should be: IF I'm not A, nor B, nor C -> THEN I'm something different (D, for example).

Anyway, I hope I didn't hurt you with this cold logic bullshit. I got what you mean with that phrase.

Hellkeepa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hellkeepa said...

You yourself has said what you are: A girl. What other people define you as is based upon what you yourself define you as, and as such you cannot rely solely upon the definition of others.
You'll only end up in a recursive loop.

As I've previously said, no-one can lead you to your oasis. I did not say why, as I'd hoped you'd come to see the reason yourself, but the maze of one's mind can often be difficult to navigate.

Anyway, your oasis is within you, and you alone. This is why one-one can lead you to it, as you are the only one who knows yourself deep within.

Learn how to tame that well, to use it to enrich your lands. Instead of letting it flood over, ripping the soil from within you.

zakir ahmed said...

sry i cant give my wishes or husg any more .. the only problem i cant there be for you is i live this damn far away from this place .. and no uare not nothing .. u are maya posch .. an awsome friend , an awsomer programmer , much more than that a very goood person .. and about your seperation of gender , who know the view of todays doctors may be so bounded that they are not ablr to see YOU .. till then u find ur one and the doctors realise just hang on :(

zakir ahmed said...

just to clarify i said i cant give u hugs or wishes any more coz .. u said they wont help .. but since i feel they may help .. *hugs* :)

35 Chris Craft said...

Why oh why do you wait for the government to tell you who you are? It seems to me oyu know who you are you are wanting confirmation from the government so they can pay if so be it if not so be it. You are gifted by your own admission so get to work and do what it is you do make some money and tell the government to piss off. Don't let them control you I know it is easier said than done but you need to stand up for yourself and take responsibility for your day to day life. Sorry if this sounds callow but you do need to run your own life.

Alianirlian said...

I am glad to see you haven't made a terminal decision. Your long silence and absence on MSN worried me. As long as you can still fight, there's hope yet.

And as others point out, you see people here are ready to accept you for what you feel you are. Why do you wish to see this confirmed by 'experts' you have lost all respect for?

Accept yourself for what you know you are. It is the first step of many.