Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Identity...

To answer the many comments I have received on my previous postings, here are my responses.

First of all, I accept that my body is primarily female in build, and also that I have always felt more comfortable with the role of a girl, or woman. I'd even go so far as saying that I have never felt male, can not imagine being one, and most definitely can not understand males. So far it sounds pretty okay, right?

My issues are many, with the physical issues centering around things like:

Being unhappy with/uncertain about my voice. I get a lot of nasty remarks about it, and while generally I try not to pay a great deal of attention to it, I'd really like to have the effects of the high testosterone levels undone through surgery.

Having facial hair growth. It's okay if people don't touch my face if they aren't yet aware of this, but if it were to happen and someone would recoil in horror/disgust or so, I'd gladly die on the spot. Having red marks after shaving is another thing thing I hate and something which is hard to cover up in the summer. The laser hair-removal therapy works, but will take at least another year.

Those are things which hurt and make me feel uncertain, whether it's in public or talking via phone. Their impact is not as great as the more purely emotional issues have on me.

Not having a sexual identity. Even aside from all the negativity I have encountered related to sexuality, my impression is that physically I am incapable of having sex. Incapable in the sense that there's a kind of mismatch between physical parts and the neural layout, leading to only disappointments and frustration. This is also the primary reason why I want more research on how my body is put together, how it works and what can possibly be fixed about it.

Unless one goes through something similar, it'd be hard to imagine the sheer amount of mental and emotional distress this kind of not knowing, not understanding generates. It is why I can not deal with references to sexuality and/or relationships no matter in which form, as it all reminds me of this big gap in me.

For the physical side, it hurts to know that sex with a female is both physically and neurologically a kind of travesty, while sex with a male is physically impossible as far as I'm concerned. Both of this generates a lot of bitterness inside me, makes me want to pretend sexuality doesn't exist, that my body doesn't have all these useless desires.

In all this, how am I supposed to feel like a girl? How am I supposed to be happy? What does having this body offer me but pain and frustration? Should I ignore all these things which I can not explain or deal with? I try, I fail regularly, it causes more pain.

I think too much, you say? I should just seek the things which make me happy and move from there? That too I have tried. You don't know what it's like to be happy one moment, then see, hear or read something which triggers what feels like a super-charged electric shock inside you, which makes you feel dazed and absolutely miserable for the rest of the day. You tell my subconsciousness to stay out of this. I can't do it.

As for my reasoning that I am 'nothing', I know that I have to be something something intersexual, but it's a huge range of more distinct labels. Like someone searching for a name for the disease one has, finally knowing the exact name and definition of it is an extremely relieving moment, even if that disease is terminal. There's nothing humans fear more than the unknown, the undefinable.

In other news, next Monday I've got an appointment with my GP. I have been feeling more and more tired every day, taking frequent naps and generally being short of breath during exercise, even if it's walking a few hundred meters. I have had this more or less my entire life already, but it seems to be getting worse this year. Since my mother had anemia when she was a child I'd like to have this option checked out.


Maya

1 comment:

zakir ahmed said...

best of luck with the doctor's visit...