Fading

There's not much to report. Today I went swimming, which was fine. Then Pieter and I had lunch, during the preparations for which I suffered another paralyzation episode, in the midst of fetching something from a cabinet. If it wasn't for Pieter being nearby I would probably have collapsed onto the floor. Now he managed to carry me to the couch. It was kind of silly that I was more worried about the slices of bread I had just prepared and the milk cooling down in the microwave than about the fact that I could barely move anything more than my eyebrows.

Then after I recovered and began eating my lunch I suffered another episode while I was in the midst of chewing. My milk was pretty cold by now. I think that the initial episode got triggered by the interview which was on TV while I was preparing lunch. It was an interview with one of our Dutch politicians, D66's Pechtold, who was telling the journalist how proud he was of this country and how important he considered personal freedom, our healthcare system and all that. It made me feel almost nauseous, plus lonely and frustrated considering my personal experiences.

After lunch I took one of my usual 2-hour naps, from which I woke up feeling a lot better. Aside from a weird, painful sensation on the right side of my head, with touching of the skin being really sensitive and gradually worsening surges of pain in that area. I took some painkillers earlier and the pain has mostly faded now, but the area is still very sensitive.

Emotionally I'm beyond exhausted, though. Clearly it's beginning to have its toll on my body now as well and the lack of a possible solution just makes this situation even more desperate. What if I get stuck in this paralyzed state whole days? What if the symptoms get worse? It all makes one wonder whether it wouldn't be more merciful and humane to just end things right here and now instead of going through the entire process of slowly fading into nothingness? These are some of the questions I have to deal with every day. It's amazing and frightening how one can one moment consider life to be quite acceptable and worth living and desire nothing more than to get the hell out of here the next.

I know I don't want to slowly fade away. Yet when faced with an impossible situation there are only two options: fade or quit. I'm not sure I'm ready yet to quit. It's an impossible situation resulting from another impossible situation, yet at least this one will resolve itself eventually. Even if it's always in death.


Maya