Paralyzed

The past few weeks I have had a few more episodes of sudden partial paralyzation. While a neurological cause has been suggested as a possibility by both my psychotherapist and others, I think it's pretty clear that the underlying cause is emotional, considering my pre-existing condition of PTSD, various other traumas, and the continuous presence of stress, recently increased by medical developments or absence thereof.

Each episode is preceded by a feeling of emotional discomfort, which can last anywhere from a few minutes to days, to express itself in the withdrawal of myself into an 'inner world'. The symptoms differ per episode, probably connected to the depth of withdrawal, and range from the loss of the ability to speak, loss of control of limbs and sometimes the muscles of the torso. Two days ago I lost the ability to speak plus control over my limbs, plus the ability to speak. After a while I was able to speak again and move my right arm, then gradually my left arm and then right followed by the left leg. While paralyzed the affected limb is less sensitive, in the sense that for example Pieter tickled me underneath my left foot during this episode two days ago, an action which would normally cause me to try to retract my foot as I really can't stand tickling there. This time, however, the sensation was more akin to walking on a rough surface and I felt no impulse to retract my foot. Rubbing other parts of the leg felt similarly desensitized.

Yesterday I had another episode in which a similar pattern was followed, later that day I had another brief episode. Before I slip into such an episode I feel intense emotional pain, leading me to believe that this is a protection mechanism which is being triggered, akin to people slipping into a coma to promote the recovery from brain damage.

The cause for these episodes seems quite clear, yet with no resolution in sight I can only imagine that things will get worse.

In other news, a few days ago I got a letter from my lawyer containing the draft version of the name change request to be sent to the judge. During our further communication she mentioned that there will probably be a hearing, meaning that I'll have to appear before the judge. I'll keep my blog updated on any new developments.


Maya