Hanging In The Balance

For as long as I can remember I have had this fantastic dream in which I lived a happy life, doing the things I liked, running a successful company not having any major things to concern myself with other than to chase even grander dreams.

Right now I'm sitting here in my mother's living room after wasting year after year on finding help with my intersexuality condition, and getting kicked out of the place where I used to live until about two months ago, even attempting to commit suicide over it and ending up in the hospital.

I have extremely severe PTSD, with some of the major causes still present, namely my unexplained intersexuality condition. I can not live without any kind of physical identity, just like nobody else can. The past few days especially my PTSD attacks have increased in severity, leading to my body getting taken over by this other, dark personality and making me think only about hurting others and myself while burning with pure hatred and intense despair. At the moment my chest and lower torso area are covered with painful bruises from where I hit myself over and over again.

The past months I have desperately been trying to get the medical help, as I have come to realize that it's the only way if I'm going to survive this hell. I'm currently in contact with the Accord Alliance, the former ISNA in North-America, which hasn't led to anything yet. I have encountered many dead email addresses. I am waiting for doctors and surgeons who are on vacation. I got told to contact the UZ Gent hospital in Belgium, which I have already done, and they turned out to be absolutely useless.

Recently each second of each waking moment I feel this tinge of fear, of panic inside me. I try to relax, to find something to distract me, but it is no longer working. Yesterday and this morning I had the worst PTSD attacks so far, which have shown me that my time is rapidly running out.

I have already quit looking for a place to live. I have now also given up on lobbying since Dutch politicians apparently couldn't care less. I only got the support from Linda Voortman from Groenlinks, but I'm pretty sure she has dropped the matter and me already as well. It's just impossible. And with me in this pitiful state even more so.

I'm still desperately trying to find medical help and recognition, but so far it seems that there is nothing in the UK and US either, only one dead end after another. Earlier today I got an email from another intersexual person, who has AIS, who seems to have a happy life, and offered to talk with me. I refused because I can not imagine how it could do anything else but make me feel worse.

I have indicated to my psychotherapist and this person from the crisis center who was supposed to help me with my Asperger's that it's probably a good idea to start looking at that euthanasia request, as there apparently isn't anything else they can be of service with to me. My mother sent them both a very angry email in which she expressed her frustration and disbelief at how those who are supposed to be helping me aren't doing so.

Unless there is some kind of miracle coming up really soon, it is paramount that I get a euthanasia request approved as soon as possible, or commit suicide, as otherwise I'll unquestionably resort to violence towards those who have harmed me in the past, like those bastards from the VUMC gender team. I'm already resorting to self-mutilation at this stage. Suicide would be a mild alternative to it.

If I manage to get through a day without getting terribly upset, feeling miserable or hurting myself, and manage to fall asleep that night without any issues, it's a major miracle.

My life is a hell. Every second that I'm alive is filled with pain and misery. People around me only remind me of what I can not have and what I will never have, and there isn't a single ray of light in my life. Everything is a miserable shade of grey. I think the only reasons why I'm alive at this stage is because of the tiny grains of joy I still find in life, mostly related to my work.

Beyond that I curse having been born with this freakish, awful, horrible, malformed body, and I curse this society of leering faces who can only taunt, laugh at me and otherwise make my life even more miserable. Curse you all.

I don't think there's much point in continuing this blog. If that unlikely medical miracle occurs you'll notice. Otherwise this is my last entry. There's just no bloody point in anything...

Just Live

The past few weeks an interesting transformation has been taking place inside my head. At first I was adamant about finding a place for me to live, yet gradually this has changed into a reluctance and finally a complete lack of motivation to even physically exist somewhere. There is no place in the Netherlands where I would want to live. There is no place in this country where I would feel welcome. It's all the same.

From my earliest years I have been an outcast. Gifted. Asperger's. Intersexual. There was always this urge to try and fit in accompanied by the realization that I wasn't where I should be. It was like I was an actor who found herself on the wrong film set but was forced to play along anyway. This was true at school and outside it. It's still true.

What's my motivation in life? I enjoy intellectual pursuits. I love geeky things. I'm happiest when faced with an intellectual puzzle to solve and/or when learning about technological or scientific subjects previous unfamiliar to me. The only interesting people I meet I find on the internet. There my body is irrelevant. That's how it should be.

I have been given a body which does not fit into or belong in this society. That much has become clear to me. It is the primary reason why I do not wish to acknowledge that I even physically exist at this point. It's why I do not want to move to my own place. It's why I do not want to discuss my physical existence. I don't want to think about me being more than just a brain.

This society, this world is wrong. I don't belong here. I can not exist in it, and thus I can only do one thing: fully exclude myself as a physical presence from it. I don't have a body. I am not a human. I am just an existence.

Solve it? That's what this society should have done if they cared. Clearly they don't. There's no solution for me. There is no way out. This body is the problem, and there is no solution to it. Ergo it has to be eliminated. Obvious, right?

I have the faint hope that my recent contacts in the USA will result in some kind of medical assistance from that side. Here in the EU there is no hope. My recent communications with the UZ Gent hospital in Belgium have shown that they truly couldn't care less when they scheduled me for an intake appointment on August 1st this year. I do not expect to be alive any more at that point unless something changes dramatically before that time. At which point I won't need their 'help' any more anyway.

Most annoying of all are people who keep telling me that my body shouldn't be a problem, that I can 'just live' my life. They do not have any idea what it means to live without a physical identity and to be literally torn apart by conflicting identities and social standards. I can not live, let alone exist in society as there literally is no place for me. My place at this point is outside it.

I wish it wasn't like that, that six years ago when I figured out what was going on that I had been treated correctly, that all my issues had been resolved right there and then, and that I didn't have to suffer PTSD and various other assorted traumas, let alone getting kicked around by anti-social individuals who deem their own little pleasures more important than showing empathy.

Anyway, things didn't turn out that way. I have learned that there is no place in this country where I would be happy, would want to live or where people would truly accept me instead of just expressing their sympathies. I have learned that being intelligent isn't appreciated either in this country. I have learned that committing suicide will just have people scoffing at your selfishness.

I don't feel like I have much more to lose at this point.


Maya

The Things One Can Do

One can focus on and fight for those things one desires or needs most. One can lose sight of everything else while doing so. At some point one comes to realize that there are two kinds of things in life. Those one can do, and those one can't do.

I can't pay for or find a place to live. I can't find someone who can and wants to help me figure out how my body is put together. I can't get my intersexuality condition recognized. I can not figure out what I am. I can not be a part of this world.

I can work on programming projects. I can understand and learn virtually anything I am challenged with. I can handle the few tidbits I get handed related to housing or medical things.

I am not a part of this world. I am out of phase. I can't get back into phase. It's not something I can do. I can not determine where or how this will end.

I can hate the parts of being alive in this world which hurt me. I can hate this body. I can hate others for not hating their body. I can hate others for not caring.

I can not fix my life. I can not find out what I am. I can not help myself. I can exist. I can not partake in society. I can be an outcast.

What I want is irrelevant. What I can do matters. Dreaming is irrelevant. I picked the wrong cards in this game of life.

I can not understand why I'm alive.


Maya

Kindness In A Bleak World

I often find myself wondering whether this atmosphere of near-hostility towards those who dare to or have the misfortune to be different from 'normal' is something mostly limited to the Netherlands. I certainly didn't encounter the same kind of disinterest and distrust when I was in Norway or Canada, nor do people on UK and US forums treat me without a semblance of respect as has happened to me on all Dutch forums I have frequented during the past few years. It seems like Dutch people in general are very quick to attack that which threatens their perfect image of the world as-it-should-be, with their image of being tolerant merely derived from their completely passive nature while their little bubble isn't disturbed.

One could go so far as saying that Dutch people are a hateful, spiteful people with an intolerance bordering on or exceeding abject racism and similar unpleasant terms. This is also reflected in the medical care, as I have had the misfortune of discovering. Not that I am alone in finding that the healthcare in this country is one of passiveness, of strict adherence to protocols without caring whether they're right, or what it means for the patient. The latter being completely unimportant to the average doctor, specialist or psychologist. All that matters is being 'professional' and not letting compassion interfere with their work.

This has been my general impression of this country and its inhabitants for a long time, and though I still agree with it, I have had the fortune of encountering some people the past month who actually are compassionate and capable of understanding and feeling empathy for others, to the point that they'll do that little extra even with their work.

One such example is the GP I have here in Rijssen at the moment. With our intake appointment a few weeks back she was quite understanding already, and when I needed her yesterday to explain to my insurance company why I should get full coverage for my electrolysis treatment she literally dove onto the task. It's amazing and so very sad that I was actually surprised to encounter a GP who felt compassionate, who talked freely with me in an understanding tone and didn't try to pass herself off as a minor Goddess or so smiling benevolently down on her subjects while they prostate at her feet.

The other example is surprisingly the insurance company I mentioned. I have been there at the local office here in Rijssen a number of times already, and each time I meet someone who is also compassionate and understanding. So far I have talked to two women and one man there. One of the women has had to arrange for her mother to have her treated in another country as well, so she quite understands my situation of seeking medical assistance outside the Netherlands.

Last Saturday I sent my request for foreign coverage of examinations and treatment to this local office of my insurance company, and when I dropped by yesterday to deliver the letter from my GP, she called out to me and told me a bit about how the request was proceeding, and that she understands that the examinations are what is important at this point, that there can't really be any concrete information about treatments yet. It was so refreshing to talk with someone who treats you like an equal, and a human being.

This in contrast with my most recent contact with that doctor at the UMC Utrecht who had supposedly offered to take a look at my case. First of all he didn't even know yet whether he would even be allowed by his superiors to examine me, he also jumped to conclusions when I put my questions forward and when I mentioned that I didn't appreciate him drawing conclusions where he didn't have the required information yet, he would complain that I didn't give him a chance to explain himself and that he really didn't mean it like that. He also complained that I didn't respect him enough when I expressed my concerns based on my past six years of experiences with other doctors. Instead of understanding or compassionate it was more a serious case of Ivory Tower complex.

On the other hand I have this man who works at the local crisis center who recognized my Asperger and when he was here last Thursday he was just outright honest about everything. He admitted that he wasn't capable of treating a complex case like mine, and didn't think that I would find anyone who could in the Eastern part of the Netherlands, that going back to the big Western cities or surroundings would be very advisable as finding the right help there would be much more likely.

We agreed that I would find a place to live in the Western part of the country - near Amsterdam or Utrecht, probably - and that he would then help me find the right people to refer me to for my Asperger assistance. Last Monday I had someone from the IMK over who had to check up on the health of my company. Aside from being a nice and helpful guy, he also gave my company a clean bill of health and said that he'll recommend that I'll get the Bbz welfare. The loan I had in mind via the same Bbz regulation is trickier, as it's provided by the county, and they'd be hard-pressed to provide it only to see me leave the county using it. I did with some success point out to the IMK guy that as I mentioned before that it's at this point a medical/psychological necessity that I move back to the Western part of the country, and since my company's health rises or falls with my own, it's an investment in the company as well. I'll see how that goes.



Maya

Peaceful Resistance

The recent revolution in Tunisia and the ongoing struggles in Egypt and Yemen are all examples of human individuals coming together to fight for the one thing they desire the most: the freedom to live the way they want. It's pretty much a given that any suppressed individual will one day fight back against his or her oppressors once given the chance. In the case of a country-wide oppression this is more than one individual can take on, and hence it takes a trigger to create a group-effort. Once this force has taken on sufficient momentum, there is no stopping it, as Egypt proves. Even after multiple concessions by the pretty much defunct Egyptian government and in particular Mubarak - concessions unthinkable just a few weeks ago - there doesn't seem to be any way to put an end to the momentum until the goal of a free Egypt has been reached.

Similar things have happened over and over during the course of this world's history. From Gandhi fighting with peaceful demonstrations against the British occupation of India, to Rosa Parks fighting against the oppression of people with coloured skin in the USA by refusing to yield to it. Similarly the resistance against the oppression of women, homosexuals and so on in various countries around the world. All started with a few individual voices of dissent, which eventually were taken over by others until the unstoppable force was created which eventually demolished the oppression.

History is an interesting source. It provides many lessons and insights, and shows many parallels with current events. One such parallel is that of certain groups in society fighting for recognition and fair treatment with homosexuals, women and people with coloured skin in the past, and intersexuals now. There are a few dissenting voices around the world, including mine, but it isn't enough yet to create the unstoppable force required to effect the required changes.

Much like Gandhi, who got taken and help prisoners by the British many times, and Rosa Parks who both didn't stand a chance against the system they were protesting against, I am in a situation where my protesting has gone unheard for over six years now, and my lonely voice won't do anyone any good.

By going to the media I created some tiny ripples in the Netherlands and Germany at least, but these quickly faded and aren't enough by themselves to effect any changes. By lobbying Dutch politics there may be some changes in the long-term, but there'll be no revolution there.

What changed matters with all previous social and national revolutions was the moment when the dissenting voices of the few got taken over by the many. This is the point I haven't reached yet, and which the other lonely voices over the world haven't reached yet. Mind that even things like homosexuality and women's rights which are generally accepted in the Western countries and many Asian ones as well are still a battle to be fought in many places. Those aren't places where I expect to get a lot of support. But maybe... once this unstoppable, world-wide force has been formed, who knows?

I'll probably be launching the Intersection Online magazine site this weekend. It should provide the central, world-wide platform required to organize and merge the lonely voices of this new revolution, so that hopefully more and more voices will join. All I need for this magazine are more articles, on or related to intersexuality. If you yourself or someone you know is intersexual or has experience with it, or just want to write an opinionated (positive) article on the subject, I would welcome your input. You can send me an email with a summary of the article via my personal site (mayaposch.com), and if I like it I'll ask you to submit it. Thanks in advance.

As for my current situation, I found out thanks to a British friend that this Middlesex clinic has been terminated back in 2005, but he also managed to contact the secretary of one of the people who used to work there, one Dr Conway. I sent him an email two days ago. Hopefully I'll get a response next week. It would be nice if this situation got resolved this year.


Maya