Friday, 18 February 2011

Just Live

The past few weeks an interesting transformation has been taking place inside my head. At first I was adamant about finding a place for me to live, yet gradually this has changed into a reluctance and finally a complete lack of motivation to even physically exist somewhere. There is no place in the Netherlands where I would want to live. There is no place in this country where I would feel welcome. It's all the same.

From my earliest years I have been an outcast. Gifted. Asperger's. Intersexual. There was always this urge to try and fit in accompanied by the realization that I wasn't where I should be. It was like I was an actor who found herself on the wrong film set but was forced to play along anyway. This was true at school and outside it. It's still true.

What's my motivation in life? I enjoy intellectual pursuits. I love geeky things. I'm happiest when faced with an intellectual puzzle to solve and/or when learning about technological or scientific subjects previous unfamiliar to me. The only interesting people I meet I find on the internet. There my body is irrelevant. That's how it should be.

I have been given a body which does not fit into or belong in this society. That much has become clear to me. It is the primary reason why I do not wish to acknowledge that I even physically exist at this point. It's why I do not want to move to my own place. It's why I do not want to discuss my physical existence. I don't want to think about me being more than just a brain.

This society, this world is wrong. I don't belong here. I can not exist in it, and thus I can only do one thing: fully exclude myself as a physical presence from it. I don't have a body. I am not a human. I am just an existence.

Solve it? That's what this society should have done if they cared. Clearly they don't. There's no solution for me. There is no way out. This body is the problem, and there is no solution to it. Ergo it has to be eliminated. Obvious, right?

I have the faint hope that my recent contacts in the USA will result in some kind of medical assistance from that side. Here in the EU there is no hope. My recent communications with the UZ Gent hospital in Belgium have shown that they truly couldn't care less when they scheduled me for an intake appointment on August 1st this year. I do not expect to be alive any more at that point unless something changes dramatically before that time. At which point I won't need their 'help' any more anyway.

Most annoying of all are people who keep telling me that my body shouldn't be a problem, that I can 'just live' my life. They do not have any idea what it means to live without a physical identity and to be literally torn apart by conflicting identities and social standards. I can not live, let alone exist in society as there literally is no place for me. My place at this point is outside it.

I wish it wasn't like that, that six years ago when I figured out what was going on that I had been treated correctly, that all my issues had been resolved right there and then, and that I didn't have to suffer PTSD and various other assorted traumas, let alone getting kicked around by anti-social individuals who deem their own little pleasures more important than showing empathy.

Anyway, things didn't turn out that way. I have learned that there is no place in this country where I would be happy, would want to live or where people would truly accept me instead of just expressing their sympathies. I have learned that being intelligent isn't appreciated either in this country. I have learned that committing suicide will just have people scoffing at your selfishness.

I don't feel like I have much more to lose at this point.


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