Monday, 14 February 2011

The Things One Can Do

One can focus on and fight for those things one desires or needs most. One can lose sight of everything else while doing so. At some point one comes to realize that there are two kinds of things in life. Those one can do, and those one can't do.

I can't pay for or find a place to live. I can't find someone who can and wants to help me figure out how my body is put together. I can't get my intersexuality condition recognized. I can not figure out what I am. I can not be a part of this world.

I can work on programming projects. I can understand and learn virtually anything I am challenged with. I can handle the few tidbits I get handed related to housing or medical things.

I am not a part of this world. I am out of phase. I can't get back into phase. It's not something I can do. I can not determine where or how this will end.

I can hate the parts of being alive in this world which hurt me. I can hate this body. I can hate others for not hating their body. I can hate others for not caring.

I can not fix my life. I can not find out what I am. I can not help myself. I can exist. I can not partake in society. I can be an outcast.

What I want is irrelevant. What I can do matters. Dreaming is irrelevant. I picked the wrong cards in this game of life.

I can not understand why I'm alive.


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