Sunday, 6 November 2011


Quick status update on my physical and mental health. I'm back on antibiotics since Friday after I finished the first cure and the infection wasn't gone yet. Currently I'm on broad-spectrum antibiotics which have the nasty side-effects of nausea, dizziness, headache, disorientation and most fun of all diarrhea. Tomorrow I'll get some probiotics to hopefully counter some of these side-effects by refilling the number of good bacteria in my system.

Tomorrow I'm also going to make an appointment at my family doctor's office. My right knee has been bothering me more and more the past weeks while being relatively stable pain-wise after the police beating [1] in May this year. Last Thursday I noticed that walking at a brisk pace was painful and today with the colder weather it's hurting something fierce at times, while the area is painful to the touch. I'm not feeling happy about this situation so I want to have it checked out.

Emotionally I'm still very much a mess. I have locked myself up in a tiny world, to shut out the horrible world outside. I have never felt this agitated, terrified and disgusted at anything related to sexuality. I think that's the result of getting the answers about my body. I feel more like a freak than ever before. This is not a positive development and I'm somewhat afraid of where it's heading. I think I need outside help on this point.

I have also forbidden myself to even think about my future. Technically I'm still homeless at the moment as I can not afford my own place now or any time soon and the only reason why I'm not living on the streets is because my mother still has some room for me at her place. There's also no way I'm getting out this country which is slowly killing me. No one will hire a person with severe, untreated PTSD. I also can not support myself financially. There's no existence possible for me in the Netherlands, nor anywhere else.

The only reasonable option at this point is to commit suicide, but I am foolish enough to keep trying for a bit longer by ignoring the terrors which lie ahead in my future. Can't think about it any more. Shouldn't even write about it. It just triggers things.



1 comment:

Justin said...

Oh just cheer up.

Many are in bad situations as bad as yours, comiting suicide is just not an option. Have trust, who knows what time will bring!!! Besides that you dont seem too unuseful as you complain on your blog. You know japanese and coding. Maybe a work as a freelancer will suit you more?

I know 2 ppl, girls, who wanted to comit suicide and now theyre glad they did not. And its far worse in Africa or poor countries. Ppl with disabilities.. You can still walk! And move... people in wheelchairs have more faith than you.

So, my friendly advice is to be more optimistic. At least giving up wont get you anywhere!