Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Working, Searching For A Job And Exhaustion

It's been nearly two weeks since I last wrote anything on my blog. The main reason for this is that I have been and still am exceedingly busy. Busy with lots of things. Most recently trying to find a job as I need income, and fast. But also with trying to finish some more games to sell, as I need income, and fast. Also busy with making this new relationship I have found myself in work. And realizing how desperately I need to move on with things. I need that income, my own place. My own life.

There's also the whole media thing. I'm a whistle-blower for the horrors inflicted upon intersex individuals by Dutch physicians. I'm the first legally recognized hermaphrodite in Europe. The media in the Netherlands is still having a hard time coming to terms with this whole situation. I can not blame them. It took me seven years to fully grasp what was going on. Last Friday an article on me, my struggles and me suing the VUMC hospital's gender team for starters appeared in prestigious Dutch newspaper NRC Handelsblad. This resulted in two Dutch TV stations, EO and VARA, contacting me for a possible appearance on their respective news and talk shows. I had expected them to give me a date today for an interview, but either they do not wish to cover the story, or it's taking them longer to decide due to the massive nature of it.

In all of this and with my huge background story it doesn't feel like I ever truly had time to... be myself. As a child I didn't know what was going on. There was only the pressure to move ahead with my life, go through primary and high school. College. All those things 'normal' people do. I left a large part of myself behind back there in the 1980s. A scared little child lost in the dark forest with big, hungry wolves roaming around.

Now it's an income I need. Money. The good thing is that if I do manage to land a job I feel comfortable in, I should have my own place. Financial security. Social contacts. No more being a burden on my mother and vice versa. All the room I should need to hopefully find that aspect of myself again of which I can not even remember any more what it looks or feels like.

In all of this my body also makes it well-known that it can not take much more. From the bags underneath my eyes, constant headaches and stomach pains to the locked up and painful muscles, general sensation of exhaustion, constant canker sores inside my mouth and feeling so cold that I'm freezing to death.

Winning a battle or two doesn't mean you have won the war. It merely means that you haven't lost all the battles. Not that you have won or will ever win the war. Even for relative values of 'winning'.


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