Abandoning Reason In A Make-Believe World

Last Thursday it was time for me to appear in court regarding the vandalism case where I had supposedly knowingly and willingly broken a few items at a family doctor's place, despite suffering horrific psychological and physical trauma as a result [1]. After a 2.5 hour delay thanks to the previous cases taking much longer, including one I followed involving someone who regularly beats up people and still hasn't received any real punishment, my case came for the judge. It was then quickly discovered that my lawyer didn't have some documents. Now it'll take another few months before anything happens in the case again. I do know that I am going for complete dismissal of the case against me now, though. I'm not even going to relent and pay up any money, or accept any kind of guilty verdict.

Not having more than a few scattered memory fragments of the event in question plays a strong role here, as I can not see myself as guilty when I do not have any recollection of causing the damage in question, or what the reasoning behind it may have been. All I know is that I was under an impossible amount of stress at the time, desperate to finally solve the medical mystery of my body after systematic denial of help by Dutch 'specialists' for over six years at that point, and in a less than stable emotional state after having attempted to commit suicide about two months earlier. My psycho-therapist has diagnosed me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder and Chronic Stress Disorder, all resulting from the excessive stress I had to endure thanks to Dutch physicians and psychologists. These disorders all can lead to moments of complete or partial blackouts, during which the person in question can act in a manner inconsistent with that person's primary personality and portray aggressive, depressed or other excessive traits.

Yesterday I also received message from SKGZ, the organization dealing with my case against insurance company Unive regarding the full coverage of the electrolysis therapy. This basically involves me receiving therapy to get rid of the facial hair I developed as a result of having an elevated testosterone level due to my intersex condition. For both regular women with a hormone imbalance and for transsexuals this therapy is covered fully by insurance, yet Unive claims that for intersex individuals this is not the case, and that I will have to pay it myself, despite the costs having passed five-thousand Euro a long time ago already. Wednesday the 31st of October I'll attend a hearing about this. Hopefully I can sway some minds there.

All of this keeps reminding me how much alike this is to kindergarten where children keep coming up with their make-belief stories which they act out in full conviction. Here too so-called adults have created this make-belief world in which people have to act in a certain way and where things are defined and governed by specific rules and regulations. Their reality is shaped by this system. I know very well that what Dutch physicians, psychologists and politicians did to me over the years is horrific and morally wrong in every regard. I know that what happened during that vandalism incident last year was due to me having been bullied again and again until something broke inside of me. I know that Unive is wrong on this count, that they should just pay the full amount as I am more female than any male-to-female transsexual, wish to live fully in a female role and suffer a lot due to having facial hair.

And yet due to the make-belief world of rules, regulations, traditions, insurance policies, managers and other assorted systems, none of this matters. I'm a mere toy to this faceless, vicious entity. What I know to be right and the simple truth is irrelevant. That it makes me feel horrible and suicidal is irrelevant. Nothing I do matters to this inhumane collection of insanity. I do trudge on in the hope that things will turn out better soon, but only by constantly pushing away thoughts of despair can I continue living. There's absolutely nothing enjoyable about being alive.

'Hope' is such a small thing to live for.


Maya


[1] http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/taking-nightmare-notch-further.html