Friday, 24 May 2013

Bidding Farewell To Being Intersex

I talked about this a long time ago already, in my vlog video titled: "Intersex, sexuality... and me". Intersex, and linked to it sexuality, are such massive topics for me due to the ignorance and brainwashing by Dutch physicians and psychologists. Back then it was massive already, but it just keeps growing. The trauma and pain... it went past unbearable years ago already. I have come to loathe, despise and hate sexuality and being intersex with an incredible intensity as a result.

A number of weeks ago I expressed the hope that this surgeon I had contacted via a friend might be able to help me get my full body back by having the existing vagina opened and restored. This would have fixed a lot of the pain and put me on a path to recovery. This wasn't meant to be, however. This surgeon has rejected any help for me as well.

My response to this strangely enough wasn't one of agony and a renewed, desperate search for someone who wants to help me. Instead it just broke something inside me. I'm through with those two massive things. No more being intersex. I'll just accept having a body, ignoring its further details. No more sexuality. I'll deny its existence and not participate in it.

Though I can still feel the pain and trauma raging inside of me, I must accept that any further struggle is futile. There is going to be no surgeon who is going to help me. This vagina I have will just be a useless organ forever covered by the merged labia until the day I die. It's okay. With no further interest in sexuality there's no real point in having genitals anyway. It's all fine now.

It's now time for 'me' to take the foreground and let these other parts I dragged along with me be silently discarded. Some of you may already have noticed that I redesigned my personal website ( a short while ago and have pretty much stripped it from any reference to my physical condition and struggles. This is intentional, and it is extremely unlikely that any of it will ever be put back.

I'm not going to change the world's ignorance about intersex, nor am I going to get any help. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. A big part of me is still confident that I am in fact not insane, thus I am left with no other choice but to take this decision. I thought I owed it to the readers of this blog to explain the recent changes. I'm sure you will understand it, and I thank you for your interest in my writings.



Anthony Papillion said...

While I understand your reasoning, I think this is a really psychologically unhealthy thing for you to do. Ignoring your intersex and repressing your sexuality is as damaging and unhealthy as your long-time search for help has been. Maybe more. It's not the answer. What is? I don't know! I believe somewhere out there, there is a surgeon who will help you. Giving up should not be the answer.

Of course, we all care about you and will support you in whatever decision you make. But we couldn't really say we care if we didn't speak up when we thought you were making a mistake and, I truly believe, this is a mistake.


Maya Posch said...

@Anthony - I agree with you. My reasoning is based on that finding help is impossible and that I'm looking at a hermetically sealed door there.

For my own sanity I should give up on trying to pry open that door with my bare hands.

If by chance a surgeon does turn up who commits to helping me, it would of course change this decision, but after over eight years I'm sure the chance of that happening is slim to non-existent.

Frans Faase said...

Dear Maya,

you are always going to be a special and unique person, and although I was a little surprised with your recent change in course, I think it is a good decision you have made.

Take care!