Sunday, 26 May 2013

Am I Doomed To Lose Every Last Bit Of Myself?

In my previous post I described the impact of having to accept that I will never find a surgeon willing to help me with this closed off vagina I was born with. That I will have to learn to ignore that it's there and that I will never be able to use it. I do not have the right to decide about my own body, obviously. Why would I?

The past days I'm having more and more pain in the lower abdominal region, more so than before. At this point it's an almost constantly, mild burning sensation with occasional sharp, stabbing pains around the vaginal area and more towards the groin region. Sometimes it's painful enough that I am forced to stop whatever it is I'm doing at that point and just hunch over in pain. I'll just bear this pain. I do not have the right to have access to medical care. This too I will accept.

Two days ago I came to the conclusion after discussions with some people I know and my psychotherapist that one thing which bothers me even more than being a genital-less person is having the outward appearance of a female, but not the voice of one. Not to say that I have a male-like voice, but it's deeper than the average female voice. Even before I realized that I wasn't a male I felt that something was off about my voice.

Six years ago I already went to see a doctor about having vocal cord surgery. He rudely dismissed me, saying that I should just go to a speech therapist to use my voice differently. Instead I just went to practice on my own, during those six years, using my own ears and the feedback from others to adjust my voice as well as possible. Despite this, I still do not like my voice. Hearing myself back on TV and radio shows I dislike the lowness of it and the result it gives. Resonance is fine, but the pitch is just very low for a female. Since I have female resonance, it sounds wrong to have such a low pitch.

Having vocal cord surgery to increase the pitch of my voice would make me so incredibly happy and finally put away all those traumatizing years essentially since the beginning of puberty when my voice started to break. I was constantly abusing my voice after that until I learned about me not being male and thus not having to force myself to sound like one. My voice has been too ruined by the extra testosterone my body used to produce thanks to the half-formed testicles I had. It hurts me to realize that I actually loathe my voice.

While it shouldn't be too hard to get such a kind of surgery, I find myself already preparing for the inevitable negative repercussions. Even though regular women get such a type of surgery with relative ease if it causes them emotional agony, my experiences tell me that it won't work out for me. Preparing myself, I find that lose even more of myself. Now my voice is gone too. I'm a genital-less, asexual, voice-less being.

I don't think that heading into this course is in any way healthy, but there's nowhere else to go. If only I could get the medical help I need. That would end all this, and help me regain my body. As far as I can tell, the surgery I had in 2011 was a lucky shot. I do not believe that doctors exist to help people. At least not people like me.

I wish I was just a bloody brain in a jar. Fewer problems that way...


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