Yesterday I was doing my utmost to not freak out about today's surgeon appointment. Today I would learn what the surgeon could see on the MRI scan images and what his prospects are on the results attainable by the surgery. Suffice it to say that a lot of thoughts were flashing through my mind, many of rejection fueled by eight years of mostly Dutch physicians outright rejecting me as being a hermaphrodite and having anything beyond a male physiology. It was in this state of trepidation that I embarked on my journey this morning to face up to my fears.
Three hours later I arrived at the clinic, just in time for my appointment. The big word came out pretty soon already. This surgeon saw the same things on the MRI scan as the three groups of German physicians. This means that his hope for the surgery is to recycle the scrotum skin for the labia and entrance of the vagina, while connecting the latter to the internal vagina. To get a better, more clearer picture of what the area he'll be operating in looks like he did want an additional MRI scan performed, this one with contrast dye to illuminate the different tissues.
The appointment was rather uneventful beyond this, aside from my sense of relief at realizing that despite my still many doubts this may actually work out just fine. Walking outside again after the appointment didn't feel like I had just left a hospital. The whole atmosphere at the clinic, while professional, is quite laid-back which really helps to put one at ease. Having found a surgeon whose insistence on making me happy with the best possible result definitely helps with that as well.
Today the weather really was different from last Thursday. Then it was very warm and sunny, with people everywhere, today only people who had business being outside did so as it was quite cold in the morning. Wearing only a thin jacket over my t-shirt, I really was feeling rather cold while making my way to the train station this morning. During the single transfer on the journey I was very glad I could get into the next train. After the appointment it was still noon but it was warming up rapidly. I didn't need to have my jacket zipped up to underneath my chin any more, which made the trip back quite a lot more pleasant.
During both trips I did have plenty of opportunity to observe people, and my responses and thoughts. It's only now with the preparations for my surgery progressing that I'm beginning to realize just in how far I have become distanced in an emotional fashion from the people around me. This isn't news, but that it's still so pervasive is something I am only noticing now. It started already when I was around five years old when my emotional growth began to grind to a halt as I became more and more alienated from the people around me due to the combination of my giftedness and intersex condition. With the work I'm doing now (senior software developer/engineer) I have found that the former has now a place which both I and my environment can respect, making it a gift instead of a curse.
My intersex condition has continued to be a curse, however. The thing I started noticing on Thursday at first and in the days afterwards more so is that of behaviour on my side which I would call puberal, or behaviour befitting a normally developing individual in its second decade. I never had cause to behave like that, or develop certain traits and realizations. There always was the subconscious realization or knowledge that it wouldn't matter anyway, due to how I was born. After getting mentally ravaged and abused by physicians and psychologists, and physically raped and abused by others, I had to come to the conclusion that there was no hope for me in that area any more. I'd have to cast off gender, sexuality and anything related to it.
This upcoming surgery seems to be giving me a second chance at going through puberty in a normal fashion. One in which I can develop a healthy self-image, where I do not have this burning need to get questions answered about my body, and where I'm not an easy prey for anyone who wants to take advantage of me due to having been turned into a trembling wreck due to years of mental abuse. I do not have to look at others any more and see them as a kind of alien race. Everything is becoming available to me now as well. It's almost like I'm becoming normal, instead of a social reject.
Reflections aside, today's events have managed to put my mind considerably at ease yet again. Much of the tenseness I felt before when regarding people around me is fleeting. I feel that I too can be respected, accepted and be a part of society instead of all the opposites. That I'll also be one of the more interesting individuals alive today feels fine too. It too feels like a normal part of who I am and should always have been, even if I had not quite imagined it to be like this all those years ago.
Moving on, I have sent the MRI request to the local hospital here and will await the appointment for the scan. After it I can make another appointment with the surgeon, who'll then probably decide to go ahead with the surgery. Hopefully next month this will all be over with. I know I can't wait.