Saturday, 15 March 2014

All That I'm Worth

I don't know what is reality. Either it's those moments when I feel energetic and can see my life slowly taking something of a shape, or it's moments like right now when I know with overwhelming, crushing certainty that this is how far I'll get and that anything more is a fool's dream. So far the last type is in the overwhelming majority for as long as I can remember. I'm just living in the overtime granted to me by not actually dying in that suicide attempt, three years ago. Technically I seem to be undead.

Anything I decide upon to buy or do for myself is based upon how much I feel my existence is worth at that point or what kind of future I think I will have. Looking at how I haven't bought a single piece of clothing for myself since arriving in Germany even though I barely have any winter clothes and just keep wearing the same week after week. I still don't have a functional washing machine at this point, though. Another sign to myself that I'm not worth it. The barely functional kitchen I have assembled and failed cooking attempts so far also underline that I'm not worth it.

Finding a place to live in Germany has been a downright nightmare. I'm not sure it's really any better here than in the Netherlands. Either meant paying a lot of money for little in return. I of course ended up in an apartment of which I can not use part of the rooms because the floor in them has to be replaced and where the rolling shutters are so old that the insulation is gone so that cold air keeps flowing into every single room, making using the heating system somewhat futile. And did I mention the ticking from the heating system which forces me to sleep with earplugs in every night?

I'm sleeping on a mattress in the one room of my apartment I actually live in, because I do not have money for a real bed. I'm not sure I will buy one, though, because I do not feel I'm worth it. Same for food, I eat little and nowhere near as healthy as I used to, but I can not care too much, because it's all I'm worth.

Within two weeks I'm having a hearing in a discrimination case against my former Dutch health insurer back in the Netherlands. Though it's become a bigger case than I had anticipated, I still don't expect anything from it. Same for my autobiography. Nothing will happen and nothing will change, because I'm not worth it. All I can do is turn off my feelings and fulfill my obligations.

I will not get that final surgery as no surgeon can be found willing to help me. Because I'm not worth it. There'll be no help for my PTSD, because I'm not worth it.

I'm a little cog in life, only expected to keep turning happily. I'm supposed to grit my teeth and smile in public, while I cry in unbearable pain in private, because I'm worth it. I'm not supposed to strive to be happy or have dreams for the future.

Because I'm not worth it.



Jason Speechley said...

Maya you are worth it, you always have been and always will be.
OK things haven't been easy,anything worth while is seldom easy.
What you have accomplished in life is mind blowing, fighting the Dutch Witch Doctors Association AKA the VUmc for 10 years, moving to Germany,and now the fight against Unive.
these obsticles you have conquered would have crushed most. But no, not you. You endured and pushed through. Most people would have crumbled, I would have.
So wipe away those tears Maya my love and hold your head up with pride, because you are worth EVERYTHING and you can accomplish anything :)

You will get yourself a bed, maybe not this month or the next, but you will. Just like getting your kitchen, your fridge and your washing machine. You have started over from scratch and that's not easy, I know because I did the same 5 years ago and you have been more successful than I was and in tougher circumstances. I moved towards my family, not away and not to another country either. Another reason to hold your head up Maya

Patrick Horgan said...

Sometimes you're like looking in a mirror. When I say things like you are saying people want to argue with me and tell me everything's going to be ok, and give me advice. I know they are well intentioned, but what I hear, is that they don't hear. I am speaking my truth, and they don't accept it, they don't hear it, they deny it. The thing is, I already know their good advice, some of it I'm already following, but I'm not looking for someone to fix me, I want someone to hear me. I hear you. I understand what that feels like. All my love.

Maya Posch said...

@Patrick Horgan - Seems like a mirror indeed. When you describe how you feel about the well-meant advice you get from others I can only completely relate.

I feel so utterly alone with my problems and pain. Yes, I know what has to be done to change it and just like you I keep making every attempt possible to accomplish these changes. Whenever I have the energy for it.

Good advice is the most useless thing people can give to people like us. We already _know_ it. All we long for is someone who really _gets_ it. Not the zillionth person who insists that 'it'll be fine'. It's hard to not want to punch them at times.

To have someone who understands the issue and with whom you can sit down and work on an actual solution - together - is the most rare thing imaginable in this world.