Friday, 28 March 2014

How I Am Doing

I am doing fine, after a difficult start in Germany things are now settling into place, with my own apartment, things going well at my job and I might soon see an end to my medical troubles thanks to my new family doctor and surgeon. I meet more and more people and am having more of a social life than I have ever had before. I'm rapidly learning German and becoming a part of this country. My work on the technical reference book on AndEngine as well as my autobiography is continuing.

I am doing okay, it's still a struggle, with issues with the apartment I rented continuing including the noise from the central heating system. At my job things are all right, though my past keeps haunting me when I'm being chided for being too shy and withdrawn. I want to explain, make everyone understand, but I know they never will. I know that I would not really be missed if I suddenly were to vanish. It's okay, I have always been quite invisible. I have some hope that the surgery will work out, but a decade of experiences tells me to not put too much hope into it.

I'm not doing very well. In the store today I had to cringe and force my thoughts into a non-dangerous direction when the music playing in the store contained lyrics involving the phrase 'making love', which is one of those phrases which trigger my traumas regarding sexuality. I feel assaulted any time, anywhere like this. With couples everywhere holding hands, kissing, fondling and what not, I keep having to divert my thoughts to keep myself from freaking out. I'm secluding myself due to this, not meeting people and preferring to keep my distance. I don't want to accept that people have relationships and that sexuality is an actual thing. If I did, I would break down. I know that I'll never get surgery or any proper help with my intersex condition. I know that this will keep worsening my traumas related to sexuality and related.

All of this is true, and all of this is false. These are parallel realities which regularly cross into each other, swapping places and diverging again. Each reality is no more real or fake than the other. None of them can tolerate the others. At least one of them is self-destructive and drives me to complete despair.

There are some ways out of this situation. One of them involves a successful surgery. Late next month I have my initial appointment with my current surgeon. The logistics for this appointment I still have to take care of, regarding travelling, possibly staying the night somewhere. I would love to have someone accompanying me for mental support to the appointment. If it works out, I could have surgery within two months. It would enable me to begin healing from the damage done to me by the Dutch physicians and psychologists as I could finally form a healthy self-image.

My problem is that of this intense hatred against sexuality and against my body in general. I loathe, hate and despise both, as both are closely linked. Not hating myself and not wanting to mutilate or destroy this body I inhabit is one of my full-time jobs. I accept that I will lose this struggle in the long run and thus I need help with it to prevent a certain descent into destruction. At this point this surgery is the only thing which I know of that could help me.

Why? Because I'm still waiting for myself to accept my body as it is, as at this point I do not know anything about my body. People tell me that I am intersex and a hermaphrodite, while others say I'm not. I have been physically and psychologically raped by physicians and psychologists so many times that I feel disgusted looking at this body. Always ready to accept another physician to violate it and a psychologist to condemn it while destroying any sense of worth I might still have.

This surgery could give me back my body. It would at least show to me what my body is truly like instead of some freakish distortion. I'm not a woman. I'm not a man. I'm not intersex. I'm nothing. Just a freak. Yet all of that is nonsense. I can not escape this infinite cycle within my thoughts. If I had this surgery and could finally see and feel for real what my body is, I could maybe break this cycle. I could be myself for the first time in my life. Maybe it would also finally allow me to feel like an adult, instead of a scared, abused child.

There's no need to ask how I am doing right now, for I don't exist.


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