In the case against the VUmc gender team I lost because Dutch physicians (almost) all agreed that I am not intersex. In the case against my former Dutch health insurance company Univé they can comfortably slide back into the defence that there's no proper medical diagnosis yet due to the Dutch and German physicians not agreeing on what I am. Wherever I go, whatever I do, the question of 'what am I' is being twisted and changed depending on where one looks or asks. The average person may think that after I got my official gender change approved by a judge in the Netherlands that the battle has been fought and won by me, but nothing could be further from the truth.
The Dutch physicians, psychologists and related rabidly stick to the position that I am not a hermaphrodite, that I am not intersex in any way, form or shape, but merely a feminine-looking, biological male. The statements, conclusions and MRI/surgery/biopsy reports from Germany are dismissed as being 'wrong'. I think that the German physicians are right, but at this point I have no way to know for certain. Without stronger, better evidence I can not win or get justice in the Netherlands.
On a personal level it's not much different. Ten years of fighting against severe doubts cast both by others and myself have left their mark. I'm waiting for better evidence myself, too. While I do not think that I am a biological male, I am having trouble telling myself what I am then. 'Hermaphrodite' is the German conclusion, yet I do not see the female genitals nor am I able to use them in any way. I do feel severe monthly abdominal pains which could be a period, but I'm not past telling myself that it's just imaginary, psychosomatic pain. I need more evidence here to know what is truly going on.
The only solution here is to undergo surgery. If I truly have this closed-off vagina all German physicians so far have said I possess, then connecting it back to the perineum and restoring these female genitals to what they should have formed into before I was even born, then that would be all the evidence one needs. Having obviously both male and female genitals at that point nobody could deny any more that I am a hermaphrodite and thus intersex. Not Dutch physicians or health insurance companies. Not me, either.
At this point an internal examination via the vagina would also be possible to finally learn what is going on when I have these monthly pains. My GP already got me a reference for a gynaecologist as well as a name of someone she recommends. This seems like a very good idea to set up soon. This uncertainty can not last forever.
Just one week until I know whether I will have this surgery. One week from now at this time I should be back home in Karlsruhe from my surgeon appointment. I should know by then what he can and wants to do and have made a surgery appointment. I hope this is going to be the one. The end of every single uncertainty and the main source of my depressions, continued PTSD and suicidal thoughts. Finally the truth being revealed.
Everyone will finally know what I am.