Terrified Of Being Transgender

Today was my first visit to the office of my new gynaecologist. Originally I was only going there to make an appointment, but the gynaecologist had time for me, so I had my first appointment today as well. It was my first time visiting a gynaecologist's office. I have been examined by gynaecologists before, of course, though this was in the Netherlands and they were just part of a larger team. Here I was sitting in a waiting room surrounded by women with children, expecting one or with something else which most would put under 'perfectly normal'. Also lots of pictures of newborn babies everywhere and reading material on pregnancies. It was in many ways a new experience.

The appointment with the gynaecologist went well. He appears to be a very nice person and much like my GP seemed genuinely interested and even somewhat fascinated by my case. He offered to perform an ultrasound examination to see whether he could maybe see a uterus which could be the source of my monthly cramps. Unfortunately he didn't find anything, so the source of my monthly pains remains still a mystery. I also got switched by him to a new source of hormones, with a gel-based source of estradiol and pure form of progesterone instead of the pill. The former should be less stressful on my liver and such due to being transdermal. It's also more convenient. Whether taking pure progesterone is better than the pill should be an interesting experiment.

Despite having four teams of German physicians saying that I am a hermaphrodite and have a closed-off vagina, I still felt horribly put into place when the gynaecologist said that he could not readily see a uterus or vagina on the ultrasound. He didn't make a big deal out of it, fortunately, but it did bring back all my doubts in a major way. Thinking about it during the rest of the day I could only conclude that the essence of my fear is that of it being found out that I am in fact a transgender person and have always been one. Biologically male with no female characteristics except maybe a more feminine appearance. Watching the video log I recorded yesterday I got a similar sensation, feeling as though I'm looking at a transgender male.

To be found out. To discover that I really have been deceiving myself. For what? Why? How could I be so caught in a delusion? Someone like me, who prides herself on being so rational and only focused on the facts, to be caught in a maze of lies and wishful deception. To have everything I have built up the past years about me as a public figure, as a person and personality, suddenly crumble like that. A mere mea culpa would not suffice. Not to myself and not to others. To admit that the Dutch physicians really were the ones who knew best and were right, while the German physicians merely confused and deceived me.

Yes, it doesn't make sense. Not that the Dutch physicians would deceive me. Not that the German physicians would do so. Yet only one group can be right. Assuming that the latter group is correct, then the former group did its utmost to brainwash me into believing that I had to be transgender, and this very brainwashing attempt is now making me feel so horrible, as though I'm trying to deceive physicians here in Germany into believing that I am intersex. Knowing how pervasive brainwashing is, it would be exceedingly hard for me to distinguish between what's real and not real. Deprogramming this brainwashing would be a major effort, something pretty much only achievable through a successful vaginal reconstructive surgery.

If the Dutch physicians were right, though... then I'm just a transgender person who doesn't realize it, has no connection with the concept and wouldn't know what to do with it. And that's why it frightens the hell out of me.

Just two and a half months left until it is figured out who was right.


Maya