Last month I went to a nearby hospital for a second opinion regarding the reconstructive surgery I will be having next month. Though initially positive, with an MRI scan and other examinations scheduled, the moment I got a response from a third surgeon and told the surgeon at the other hospital about it, the MRI scan suddenly got cancelled, as the focus shifted to a very slow investigation and determination of my type of intersex, starting with genetics. This even though my genotype will have no effect on any surgery. Defeated, I tried to ignore all this and just see this upcoming surgery as the one event which would tell me the answers I have wanted to know for so long.
Then all of a sudden, a few days ago I got an email from a doctor I talked with at the hospital I went to last month, asking me to make a new MRI appointment. This came very sudden and no explanation was provided for why suddenly things got changed around. Now I have an MRI scan scheduled for the 8th of July, and a bloodtest on the 1st since it'll be a scan with contrast dye which requires one to have healthy blood chemistry. I really don't know what to think of this sudden change, but I'll go through with it regardless.
I should have the MRI scan results just in time to send them to the surgeon who'll do the surgery on the 14th next month. I'm not sure he'll need them, but more information can't hurt. I should be hearing about the surgery soon now. An appointment with the anaesthetist will be scheduled as well. Hopefully this can be done on the same day, or I'll have to travel twice to and from Munich. I also don't know yet whether insurance will cover the surgery, or that I'll have to cough up roughly ten-thousand Euro very soon now.
So, the events surrounding this MRI scan are just bizarre and confusing, while the surgery just frightens the hell out of me, mostly due to all of the uncertainties. While some have suggested in the past that I'm completely set on the 'fact' that I have female genitals, am a hermaphrodite and only seek to prove this, while ignoring any evidence to the contrary, things aren't quite that easy. While I would love to have a 'normal' body, I know I'll never have one. What I have in terms of male genitals is so underdeveloped and useless, and I have always felt deep inside that I have female genitals. With multiple confirmations from German physicians and surgeons on this latter point, I just want to know to which extent these female genitals are developed.
What I fear with this surgery is that the surgeon finds nothing remarkable and closes the incision again, leaving me with the burning question of what this 'vagina' was that multiple German medical teams have seen so far. I just want to know what is or isn't there. Connected to it the heavy psychological burden of wondering in how far I'm deceiving people around me by pretending to be a girl.
I don't believe in any of this 'you're whatever you know you are' kind of nonsense, to be honest. While I have to admit that my general appearance is more that of a female, I cannot ignore the matter of my physical sex in as far as verifiable at this point contradicting my feminine build. What if this Dutch physician was right when he told me that I should end this 'pointless quest' for answers to the wrong questions and that I am merely a 'feminine-looking male'?
There's only confusion, pain and horrific memories mixed in with the worst kind of apprehension possible for next month swirling through my mind, occupying most of my thoughts. Its stress has kept me from getting any decent sleep for many days now and I have seen myself forced to postpone activities to improve my day to day life, such as finally buying furniture. None of it is relevant. I just have to try and get through next month's challenges. Hopefully once I'm safely home again after the surgery I can find the peace again to keep rebuilding my life.
Engage survival mode.