To Not Have A Body

For over two decades I was told that I was a boy, then a guy. That when I looked in the mirror I saw a male. For a decade I got told that I was a boy, even when I had my doubts. Doubts which got shoved aside and ridiculed.

To this day I still can not see men as men. Physically speaking. I recognize that they exist, that they look a particular way, but according to my brain's programming I am what a male looks like. Ergo those so-called males are not.

In some ways having the German medical results and the conclusion of having my official name and gender changed to female was a terrible thing, as it committed me to a female role. Not that a male role suited me, but at least there I had a whole medical system, politicians and psychologists telling me that I was just a confused guy. Of course my looks did not match up with this male identity.

Ironically you could say that my external programming has led me to see women as 'men', since I look female, but to me this was associated with what a male looks like. Yet they are also female.

Now that I'm still fighting to learn what my body truly looks like, nothing about any of this still makes sense. Most of this whole gender thing just hurts. I don't understand what this 'male' thing, other than something horrible which was forced upon me for so many decades. I'm trying to figure out what this 'female' thing is what I supposedly have always been, yet which I knew I wasn't. Female is male and male is female. There are no males, all females are female and male. Everything makes just about equal sense.

My body doesn't make any sense. People telling me what I'm supposed to see in it isn't helping much. In the end it's just their interpretation.

I appear to have a rather odd collection of genitals and reproductive organs, though I can not be sure which exactly. Here too I can not say anything definitive.

Nothing of this makes any sense to anyone not familiar with the same situation.

I'm so terribly confused.


Maya