On this eve of torture-the-relationally-challenged-day

One of the things of which I have become painfully aware of during the past decode is the disconcerting dissonance between the push to see sexuality as something positive - defining adult humans - and the in comparison rather dark reality. While those still possessed of the innocence befitting the former may see ads for products aimed at making oneself more alluring to potential mates to be an innocent and even desirable thing, those of us who have unfortunately found this veil of innocence to be cruelly ripped away merely cringe at the negative connotations such suggestions generate for us.

For us it's every time a woman tries to be sexy and alluring, or a man (or teenager) boast about 'getting laid' that we cannot help but despair a little inside. See a couple walking on the streets, in a film or in a photograph, and part of you dies and wither away. For us the blatant lie that is the enjoyment of sexuality and the joy of a relationship doesn't exist any more. Any possibility of that was destroyed, trampled upon and crushed when someone who shouldn't have laid hands upon us did just that, or destroyed us from the inside out, or a combination of both. Others just didn't fit in the narrow mould society desires from its members' physical bodies and found themselves cast out and surviving outside the confines of this comfortable lie.

To us the thought of experiencing sexuality or being in a relationship is invariably accompanied by painful, traumatic flashbacks. For every gentle, caring touch and word spoken in love we can put an act of brute violence and words uttered or yelled in anger and maliciousness. Though we would love to let go of these bad memories, it's already too late for us. We have looked behind the curtain and have seen the true face of what society keeps trying to pass off as something wonderful and amazing.

That is not to say that it's impossible to find someone with whom mutual love and respect - even intimately - is a natural thing, but that the path that would lead to such an outcome is practically not traversable for us. This especially amidst the constant insistence by society in general that a relationship and sexuality are normal, healthy things. We can see that for the lie that it is, that both are mostly dark, rotten, festering piles of something very distasteful. Unless handled with extreme care it will hurt you, possibly destroy you.

Those who have felt the seeking hands of lustful men on their bodies as they gave themselves to these men without really knowing why - or worse, without consent - can never lie with a man again without experiencing those memories every single time. One could call it trauma, or alternately the unfortunate knowledge of reality. Ultimately it's the experiencing of those facets of something which many prefer to hold as something that in the end is always positive and beautiful.

Tomorrow will start another round of mating dances and attempts at getting as much sex as possible, all without really knowing why, or with any care for those of us who have gone beyond the lie. It's not really painful any more. No more than every regular day. It's just that we can see the funeral mask slipping, to show the decaying flesh underneath.


Maya