Saturday, 2 January 2016

Got to prioritise one's traumas

With the agonising and feeling terrible about doctors not wanting to help me with my intersex condition suddenly not taking up 99% of my thoughts any more since a few days now, it seems that other traumas are more than happy to take up the slack, judging by the recent dreams, thoughts and recalled events I had to wade through.

The one I found myself unexpectedly dealing with today was due to an incident last night during the crossing into the new year. I was outside, watching the fireworks with a group of people, some of whom I knew, when one of the guys unknown to me decided to get... touchy at some point. He'd stand behind me and... touch me. Both times I'd abruptly turn and walk away, pushing back the second time as well.

To be honest I still feel terribly upset at the mere thought of this, even I feel I should just be able to shake it off, especially since nothing much happened. Yet something about having a guy standing behind me like that and touching me without my permission triggers a lot of really bad and deeply hidden memories. Memories which are accompanied by a lot of anger.

It's been nearly ten years now since I got raped by a guy. After that experience I have long tried to find a way to deal with sexuality and related topics in a neutral and unbiased fashion, but it has long since become clear to me that this is not going to happen. Even though I got a lot of help from someone who helped me deal with my rape trauma using her own experiences, which at least allows me to not feel like it's all my fault, it's still not something that is even remotely easy to deal with.

Anger. That's pretty much the central emotion here. The anger of having been violated, of having been taken advantage of. Of having one's body... used like a common object. I am fairly certain that the inarticulate rage I feel at seeing heterosexual couples is related to this as well, linked into the general hatred I seem to have developed against anything 'male'.

It's not just the fact of having been raped and otherwise been taken advantage of over the past years, but also the recollection of having been physically violated by one male doctor after another, as they prodded and poked every part of my naked body. The shame and embarrassment of going through that experience over and over again, more times than I care to remember. The loathing for myself that I did not find a different way and just submitted to these physical examinations.

The only positive thing I can say about dealing with these traumatic recollections is that it doesn't make me feel depressed or suicidal in the slightest, like what the 'no intersex help' trauma does with me. These other traumas are merely about inarticulate rage, anger and boundless hatred. It's still something which I will have to learn to deal with and process the associated events in some fashion, but at least it just makes me want to curl up and cry a lot so that I'll feel slightly better afterwards.

In some way it almost makes me feel like I am more... human again when I feel like this. With the intersex issue settled for now, I actually have a human body to which these other traumas can apply. It's practically a joyful thing to me that I can feel this way again, weird as it may seem. Maybe it's just the joy at being able to feel real emotions again, instead of the numbing pain of dissociation.


1 comment:

Hugo B. Gonzalez said...

Hi Maya!

Happy New Year!!!
Congrats finishing your book and on your new job stability!
You sound like your doing well..., considering everything.
You should have caused the biggest scene, when that guy touched you. Drama would have surely embarrassed him at the least. You don't have to put up with that, EVER!

Dire Strait rules! :)

My best to you always,