Thursday, 21 January 2016

When the hardest thing one can think of is to hang on to life

It's hard to say exactly why, or to point at a singular thing and say that 'if only that was different...', thus indicating the source of why one feels like being alive is the single most terrible thing one can think of at that time.

I cannot say such things either. Lots of things have happened or are happening which all at least serve to make me feel upset, depressed or like I'm the most hated person on this planet.

Earlier I had to return some money to the company which owns the place I rent, because they had miscalculated how much I had paid in advance. It's half a thousand Euros I now have less, due to said miscalculation. Fair is fair, but it upset me because initially I didn't know whether they really had made a mistake, or that they suddenly want me to pay the full amount for this place again, despite countless things being broken.

Such as hearing everything from the neighbours, including their toilet activities and when they get into or out of bed, also the heating system making so much noise that I cannot use the living room, and of course the constant access to fresh air due to there literally being holes in the walls to the outside. Then there are the water pipes in my apartment busily rusting away, leading to fun situations like this one yesterday:

Living in a place that's poorly insulated, noisy, sorely behind on maintenance and still expensive wouldn't be healthy for anyone's mood, yet it's not just that. Even if through some miracle I was able to move into a great place, I still wouldn't be happy. Happier, of course, and a lot further away from the edge of giving up on life altogether, but still not in the green zone.

With week after week passing without hearing anything from the endocrinologist after the last appointment and blood samples that were taken, while I'm suffering through one episode of different physical pain after another brings back the dark expectations of the past. The rejection of reality and the insistence that everything I feel, not to mention what I see in the mirror, are all just part of my own delusions.

For weeks now my lower abdomen hurt, more so when I lightly press on it. I have also had the usual range of painful symptoms from ovulating (right side hurting like hell, right leg going numb), which subside into more mild cramps until it's quiet for a little while before worse cramps start and sitting, going to the toilet and such become painful to an agonising experience. From reading up on things it seems that estradiol gel may actually protect against depression during and after ovulation. It might just be another thing alongside the pain which gets me down so much.

In the end nothing about my life is easy, aside from probably my day job. Even if something might be positive, it'll be coloured darkly by past experiences, making that I cannot look forward or feel joy at anything any more. Even if many seem to disagree with this assessment of my life, what matters to me is my own assessment, not what those who haven't and aren't living this life of mine may think of it.

Really, what is there to look forward to? A better place to live in? Unlikely to happen with this housing market. A medical solution to my intersex condition and associated symptoms? Over a decade of experiences say it won't happen and keeping up hope is the definition of insanity. A happy life with family and friends? Starting my own family? The facts just make me seem like a complete misanthrope there.

There's just emptiness, day after day, just filled with the despair as one realises that all that keeps one alive is money and a shortage of people who demand too much from you. It makes one wonder whether things like happiness, love, joy and freedom are nothing but terrible lies none of us can truly accept for just what they are.

Who cares about another dawn when all it brings is the same painful repetition?



The Aggregate said...

Hi Maya, I feel your pain. Life can be quite tough and full of suffering. To hang on to life is indeed hard. I think rather than hang on, it is better to let go, e.g. of expectations. There are no coincidences (es gibt keine Zufälle). I wish you sincerely all the best. Regards, John (khajjopanaka)

Hugo B. Gonzalez said...

Hey Maya!

Good to here your hanging in... :)
I know life can be very difficult. Some have it easy compared to others. I have a couple of close friends, one is a paraplegic and has to go to dialysis every three days and another who can walk barely over 20 meters without needing his power chair and has the use of only one arm as it just hangs from his side totally lifeless and useless. Their cheerful and encouraging outlook is just incredible. They both are an inspiration to all that know them, at least me they are.
When I was in the Navy they had a saying, "A bitching sailor is a happy sailor". Please do not take it the wrong way. It just means that I'm happy just to hear that you are still in the fight!

Always wishing you the best..., your optimistic fans,
Hugo & Sneakers ;)