It was early 2005 when I embarked on my quest to answer the simple question of just what the heck my body is about. Now, on the even of the 12th anniversary of this event I can look back on twelve years filled with events which have both destroyed and on occasion rekindled my trust in my fellow humans. Twelve years of experiences which no person should ever have to go through.
On this moment I can also look ahead to what should be the end of this quest, of this endless road as I have often described it. Regardless of the outcome as I head into consultations with surgeons, I will get my answers and that will be the end of it. Also hopefully the beginning of what should be my actual, real life. The real me.
The past week the two doctors and psychotherapist who handle my case at this point have been at a congress, getting into contact with people who can hopefully help me with this last part of my medical journey: answering the question of whether a reconstructive surgery of my female side is possible, as in reattaching the existing vagina to the perineum, accompanied by the creation of labia.
I hope it is possible, because it'd make my body finally feel complete, and it would enable extremely easy examinations of the severe monthly pains which I experience. Many medical and psychological reasons to hope for this outcome at least.
Yet even if that's not possible, at least it will be all pertinent questions answered. There's still the question of what my genetic make-up is exactly - whether I'm truly an XX/XY chimera - but that will not change who or what I am, merely satisfy some trivia. My body would still be complete to me and there'd be nothing else to fight for, strive for or otherwise put far too much energy into, aside my duty of ensuring that no-one else will have to go through an experience like mine.
One thing which I find myself struggling with is that I am now being helped by doctors exactly the way I had imagined it would go, twelve years ago. It's all so easy and everyone is so friendly and helpful. It makes me wonder why the past decade had to happen at all. I guess that's a question with which I will have to find peace somehow.
On the bright side, this year saw its share of miracles, such as discovering that I do in fact have ovaries and with these suddenly kicking into high gear as they started producing sufficient hormones on their own so that I no longer have to take any kind of hormone therapy. In many ways my body now feels like that of a regular woman, although I still feel primarily a hermaphrodite. All of that is fine, and I hope to explore that feeling far more after any surgery.
Tomorrow I will get an update from my psychotherapist on their findings at the congress and any further steps to take. I pray that the findings so far were positive and that the entire matter can be resolved in a matter of months without too much additional stress, worrying and compromises.
This is the end of the road. Everything after this is new, unknown territory to explore.