The past weeks I found myself struggling with exhaustion, lack of and generally poor sleep, severe nightmares and similar, all of which made me wonder what was going on to make me feel so terrible. It felt like burn-out, depression and similar non-fun stuff, but I couldn't quite put my finger on the cause. That is, until yesterday.
All too often when something 'snaps' emotionally it's not due to a singular event, but the slow, gradual build-up of emotional stresses. Rarely is it even from a singular source, though they can be related. Looking back on the past month or so I could easily identify a number of sources.
Pregnancies, relationships and marriages. Three words which evoke primarily negative feelings and stir negative memories for me. Also three topics which played a big role at work lately.
Pregnancy? Never been an option for me, no matter which way. Painful reminder of how... different my body is.
Relationships, marriages and the like? Heterosexual relationships still make me feel ill at the mere thought. Relationships and marriages are an excellent reminder of how anti-social and secluded I have become over the years that I may as well not bother to fix this any more.
Then the million dollar word: 'home'. As in a place where you feel safe and comfortable. Something which I haven't had in literally over a decade. Something which I do not have currently and do not expect to have until next year at the earliest. If I can find the courage to expose myself to the potential to get hurt incredibly again. This is also the reason why I will never rent a place again.
I just want to reach a point where I do not feel threatened any more. A point where nobody is trying to scam me, where nobody threatens me even when I have done nothing wrong, where I feel that my skills are welcome, and maybe even where I can feel that I can trust people around me.
At this point I am unhappy, I feel broken and a misfit. Not suicidal or anything of the sort, but just very sad and somewhat depressed that life has to be so incredibly hard just for some when it would be so easy to make life easy for everyone.
Next week I expect to hear more about the potential reconstructive surgery, a surgery which should hopefully conclude well over a decade worth of searching for medical help with my intersex condition. A condition which has taken me well outside the bounds of 'normal society' and which unfortunately has forced me to confront aspects of it which are simply indescribably revolting.
Part of what I came to terms with yesterday is that the intense feeling of alienation I deal with on a daily basis is simply because that's the way things are for people like me: we are not part of human society like others. We don't raise families or have happy, care-free relationships. We don't get married or fuss about what clothes to wear to a party.
We deal with those parts of society everyone else chooses to simply ignore. We have to carve out our own lives, in our own way without an easy template to follow. This is also an incredibly tough and gruelling path to follow, yet we do not follow it because of some expected gain. We do it because we have no other choice.
This all makes it so much more important to reach those points where one can just sit up and realise that everything is okay. That one has an actual place one can happily call 'home', funds to live one's life and nothing major to worry about. To people like us such moments are more precious than anything else in this universe, simply because they are so incredibly rare.