I am not well. I am not fine, or even 'okay'. In fact, I am only capable of functioning in society in a limited manner.
This may seem surprising to many who'll just see a person who is physically and mentally healthy, capable of carrying out a full-time job as a software developer with a healthy interest in other subjects and no obvious handicaps or limitations. So what's the problem?
Much as I have been saying for the past months, I am not capable of finding a new place for myself. Nor am I capable of handling medical contacts and communications myself any more. In the lawsuit against me, by the current owner of the apartment which I currently rent, this has become painfully obvious as well and forms the basis for my lawyer seeking to provide me with all the time I need to find a better place to move into.
It's not just sources of stress either. I cannot trust people. I struggle with feelings of being inadequate, of not being capable of dealing with life, and worst of all frequent thoughts of death and dying. It feels as though at times I can still kind of gather myself together and feel almost normal and happy, only to fall apart again soon after.
Tomorrow I'll be talking with my psychotherapist again about this, as we put together the formal documentation needed by the court. It helps me that I am not alone in this, that I have a supportive lawyer and psychotherapist who I think at least somewhat understand my plight. That I'm not just making things up because I'm a lazy, unreliable bastard. Or something.
The past time more and more memories are returning. Memories of events and things which I had forgotten about, because they aren't pleasant to think about. I guess the memory block which had formed over the past decades keeps dissolving, allowing me to recall increasingly more of my past. I guess this is both a positive and negative thing. Maybe I'll remember something of this person who I supposedly first met in high school and who later contacted me again. Maybe I'll remember what happened to me when I was not even six years old which led to me suddenly turning quiet and reclusive.
When I observe myself breaking apart emotionally over the past months any time I'm confronted with a source of stress it's not hard to miss the obvious fractures in my psyche. It's easy to point to the parts over the past decade where I suffered physical, sexual and psychological abuse and the impact this had. It's also easy to suggest that maybe I suffered sexual abuse as a child, just like my one year older cousin who ultimately couldn't go on with living. Yet the damage to my psyche is deeper and more severe than just those simple and distinct points.
I feel betrayed and violated by humanity and my environment in ways I cannot even begin to comprehend or understand, let alone communicate with others. Even as a teenager I had this deep-rooted feeling that something was amiss, then when I tried to find help with my giftedness and later my intersex condition things got unimaginably worse.
If I were to start with summarising what I think is all right in this world and with me, I think it'd be just anything to do with science, technology and reason. Anything to do with emotion, feelings and related - such as sexuality - is just this pulsating black mass of pure evil. Humans are mostly evil. Humans frighten and terrify me.
My online personality is that of a fluffy, innocent kitten. Who also happens to be interested in science and technology. I wish to flee into this world of innocence and hope. A world without negativity and where I do not have to be confronted with the parts of my psyche which I feel are at this point irreparably fractured. I can never heal to the point where I can be a functional adult human. Heck, I never was a functional human child.
I need an escape. Somewhere safe and quiet to rest and recuperate where I can focus on just these positive things in the world as I contemplate the rest. Maybe I can still heal. Maybe things can work out.
Maybe I can learn to trust humans again.