Two weeks of intense, near-constant headaches, followed by a complete flattening of emotions. That was my experience with the anti-depressant (citalopram) which I was on for a while, a number of years ago. If I have to detail why I decided to stop using it after about two months, I'd say that it was because it made everything in the world seem grey, dull and somewhat out of focus. It basically made me not care about anything.
When I say 'not care', I mean it exactly in that way: no ups or downs in one's mood, just a neutral 'meh' with as base point a definite 'whatever'. It was reminiscent of a dissociative state, where an emotional shock numbs one's emotional side for a while, with one's fight or flight mechanism kicking in. Incidentally that's also a highly unpleasant state to be in.
Recently the matter has come up again of whether it wouldn't be better for me if I was on anti-depressants, just so that I will not end up harming/killing myself, and not suffer so much emotionally and psychologically. To be quite frank, I think that's fully the wrong approach.
As I described earlier, being on SSRI anti-depressants is anything but pleasant for me. While on it I cannot feel anything, especially not positive feelings. When looking at what causes me to feel depressed, it's also clear that there are direct causes which can be fixed without a lot of effort. I just need a little bit of help.
The two main issues at this point are the medical help, including the surgery. Within two weeks I should have proper help there from a surgeon, which would hugely relieve the stress there.
The other issue is that of living in a run-down apartment and being sued by its owner for having the nerve to complain about this. Hopefully the court will soon rule that I'm in the right and give me the time I need to find something better. Here I am strongly considering looking to buy a house somewhere outside the city.
My main issues at this point are all caused and resolvable by other humans. Having to deal less with other humans and taking control back into my own hands should help a lot. I'm not convinced that deadening my feelings and emotions is useful here, and not simply a friendlier alternative to taking up a drugs or alcohol habit.
Yes, the coming months and maybe years will still cause me incredible emotional and psychological pain and suffering, but I will suffer through them somehow. As long as there's something positive which I can find joy in and which gives me that ray of hope and sunshine to get up again and give it all another shot. That's something which I feel I cannot do when stuffing those chemicals down my throat.
To me the solution is found in people simply being decent, responsible adults towards each other, with maybe a dash of childish fun thrown in for good measure. If people stop hurting me, I'll stop hurting, basically.
Life can be so incredibly simple.
Maya
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