Thursday, 9 February 2017

Would you like to die?

Ever since I attempted to commit suicide in early 2011 and failed, that's the question which I have learned to ask myself to assess my state of mind. Sometimes the response to this question is a definite sense of revulsion, sometimes one of indifference. Sometimes of painful longing. Sometimes mixed.

Today I can feel the heavy feeling again, this sensation of weariness and exhaustion far beyond what the average person will ever feel in their entire life, or what can be captured using mere words. It's a weariness that's simply a weariness of life, when even one's primal sense of survival can no longer be felt. It's the acceptance of death when one is still physically healthy.

It's not a feeling I care for in the slightest. Six years ago I was able to find a way out through an overdose, or so I thought. This year I'm hoping to find a way out by finding a home and by closing the medical chapter on my body after a few decades of suffering. I hope that this attempt will be more successful than me trying to take my own life.

I guess the worst feeling that accompanies this quiet longing for the cessation of one's existence is that of being a failure, of having failed as a human being, as an individual and something even more fundamental.

It's not that one wants to die. It's merely the acceptance that for some people even merely existing is simply no longer an option.

Yes, I would want to cease existing right now. No, I do not want to die. I just want the pain of existing to cease.

Then I would want to resume doing all the fun things in life. All the things which do not hurt.

To continue living in a world where people do not hurt each other.

The world which I failed to find.



Cédric Brancourt said...

I wish you to find some happyness somewhere.

I know how it is, beeing dispressive, no words to say how dark the life seems to be.

But I know there are colors sometime , for short period, I can see and feel the colors. I even can feel happyness. This is how I know that most of the time I live in the dark.
And there seem to be nothing I can do to feel better, except with heavy medications ...

Friendly yours

Unknown said...
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Devin Edwards said...

I understand. Certainly not everything, but I have been suicidal before. That is when I understood. It's not that I wanted to die so much as I did no longer wanted to exist, and I really just did not care. I could have died and been just fine with it. The
only real thing that stopped me was knowing that my suicide would cause my son agony.

Since then I have found new friends that love me for me and no other reason really. Also places to be. I have worked hard and to some extent I have found myself. Strangely I have given up on relationships. I would love to have a partner, but I am not going through all that again. I would simply rather be alone and enjoy my son, motorcycles, friends and business.

That is just me though. I hear your pain. I know that you must travel your own road. Please know though that as a fellow traveler that I like you as a person, and I feel a strange closeness with you as a friend. Strange, since we do not know each other. still, I feel a caring for you. Also, you are beautiful, intelligent, and tbh I would just like to hang out with you sometime. So, please, just don't go anywhere =)

Maya Posch said...

@Cédric: it's the colours and feelings one has to keep thinking of, even when one can no longer see or feel them. They're there and you'll see and experience them again.

I hope you'll be fine :)

@Devin: no worries, I am not going anywhere just yet. I'm pretty hard to kill off, it seems :)