Thursday, 25 May 2017

Understanding an intense hatred of sexuality

For the past years now, there have been a number of things which instantly make me feel sick to my stomach, but without knowing or understanding why. Usually this takes the form of people showing (intimate) affection to each other, but things like pregnancy also triggers this strong sense of nausea and dull headache. Something about it physically hurts me.

Not that it's something limited to just the past years, either. I remember quite well how at the beginning of puberty, I felt disgusted by these sensations of physical lust. I wanted no part of it, and sought to banish any of such feelings from my life.

Part of those feelings of disgust may have been because of some weird sexual experimentation and experiences before that. I remember showing behaviour that was definitely over-sexualised, while not knowing why or who had shown or taught me anything like that.

For some reason it seems to come down to whatever happened to me when I was about five years old. Whatever happened back then might explain why I showed such bizarre behaviour, a couple of years later. Behaviour which unfortunately led to things which I regret now, or which hurt me in ways which I cannot begin to formulate, such as getting raped by a 'friend'. Experiences which led to me hating sexuality and everything related to it with an intensity that is simply absolute.

When I can only summarise it in terms which generally upsets others, it makes me again feel like something else is broken about me as well. From presumably getting sexually abused as a child, to not being able to give sexuality a place as puberty came and went, to finding out about being intersex, but having to fight over what essentially amounts to my own sexuality with doctors and psychologists.

Ever thought about what getting regularly 'physically examined' in one's most intimate regions by doctors who couldn't care in the slightest about one's well-being would do to one's emotional health? I didn't, and now I regret it. Last time a doctor asked me, I refused to comply.

I hate men. I want to see them all die horrible, agonising deaths for the monsters that they are. I hate women for being dumb creatures who just go along with whatever men tell them to. I hate that I feel this way, and do not understand why I feel this way.

I try to understand. I try to dig into my psyche and my memories as I attempt to find some clue, some memory which might offer an explanation. Yet I cannot find anything. There are just these intense thoughts and feelings which seem to spring forth out of a part of my psyche to which I do not have access. It's like a phobia, but even stronger.

I do know that it's not something about individual humans. I do not have a problem with them. I just have an issue with sexuality, with the entire physical part. I know from what my mother told me that before whatever happened to me as a child, I was a carefree, open child who loved to hug and be hugged. Then practically overnight this changed; I shut myself off from the world and did no longer want to be touched. Only a couple of years ago did I reach the phase where I allowed my own mother to hug me again. With other people it's still complex and generally I will pull away from any attempt at physical contact.

I hope that through therapy and by hopefully soon reaching a more quiet period in my life that I will be able to access this part of my psyche and memories where whatever causes these super-strong sensations are located. Just ignoring it and pretending it doesn't bother me doesn't work, much like how I could not ignore getting physically tortured and beaten.

I would love to reach a point where I no longer have to feel this horrible again due to this 'sexuality' thing. Maybe it will even allow me to reach a stage where I would actually be okay with entering into a relationship: being able to trust another human being to such an extent that I would simply not feel apprehensive or terrified around them.

I might even let this person hug me, a lot.

Yet for now, I'm basically more of a really smart machine. A machine which does not try to feel too much, too often.


1 comment:

Zeta Syanthis said...

Oh gosh. >.< I'm about two years into therapy for similar stuff, and just starting to make serious headway. Probably about three years farther than you altogether on that road. I still can't feel love, sometimes. >.< I promise it does get better, though, even if it's brutal in the meantime.