Saturday, 27 May 2017

When others feel the need to push you closer to suicide again

Over the past months that the eviction case against me has dragged on, it has become abundantly clear that what is at stake here is not just a place to live, or even something as abstract as 'justice'. Nay, as evidenced by my own feelings on the issue, and corroborated by the reports from my psychotherapist, what is at stake here is nothing less than my very life.

The official diagnosis is 'latent suicidal depression', in that I will generally not exhibit any suicidal behaviour or tendencies, but that certain events can trigger these. Events such as the forced eviction in early 2011, which led to my first suicide attempt, and later coming very close again, when after a physician- and psychologist-provoked PTSD/DID blackout episode, I was forced to pay for damages which I did not remember causing.

Dealing with doctors, anything related to intersex, transgenderism and sexuality also carries a massive risk. Yet with therapy and a quiet, safe environment in which to recover I should be just fine.

My fear is that even after resisting the horrible stress of the eviction case it will still result in me being forced to pay tens of thousands of Euros, get forcefully evicted, or a combination of these. There's no guarantee or certainty that this will not happen. That's enough to make it into a constant point of negative stress which keeps triggering a suicidal depression. Not strongly, fortunately, but sufficiently to keep up a feeling of constant existential dread.

When I try to think carefully about my emotional state if any of those scenarios were to happen, I have to admit that without any external interference, I will most likely end up killing myself. And that terrifies me even more.

There's always this misunderstanding that mentioning one's suicidal feelings means that one is either mentally ill or is using it as a hostage-style threat ('give me what I want, or I'll kill myself'). The more reasonable explanation in most cases is that each and every person has a psychological breaking point: a limit to what they can handle emotionally and mentally. The closer one gets to this point, the more it hurts, in a way that's worse than mere physical pain. This emotional pain cannot be shut out or ignored.

Reaching the actual breaking point is even worse; to reach this point causes a type of emotional agony that's worse than any physical pain which I have ever experienced, which includes fun things like kidney stones, abdominal inflammations, crashing on tarmac at about 60 kilometres per hour and very nearly having various limbs snapped off like a twig. Those are child's play in comparison. The only thing that came close was this one severe migraine episode, which nearly had me begging to be killed. Yet that one passed after I finally managed to fall asleep.

I think I reached my mental breaking point quite a few years ago already, probably around 2008, when things went rapidly south for me, to ultimately hit the low point of that suicide attempt a few years later. I have not had any significant therapy since then, let alone found a quiet place to recover in. My emotional and psychological health have been hovering around that null point for many years now. And now there's this new threat which may push me far enough that I would be forced to experience that blinding, numbing pain again.

And why? I didn't do anything wrong. Nor was there any reason for those doctors and psychologists to punish, rape and torture me like that. I guess that based on those years of experiences I simply must conclude that there doesn't have to be a reason. Doctors, psychologists and others who hold power over others will simply get whatever they want, no matter the consequences.

I really hope that I do win this eviction case, merely so that I can continue to go on living. Things are finally beginning to look up for me. I think it would be somewhat tragic if this is where my existence were to end, if still understandable.


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