Everything begins and ends with one's body

The moment that one is born and becomes conscious, the world begins.
The moment that one's body falters and dies, the world ends.
Everything in between is coloured by the health of one's body.


I remember how there was a time when I could walk without pain. I remember how I wasn't concerned every few minutes with new, interesting pains or the general state of my body. That seems all so long ago now. Part of a past in which there was still sunshine, a home and happiness. Not this bleak dystopian present with a faltering health and more hospital and ER visits than I care to remember.

Next month another three doctor visits have been scheduled, with my GP, neurologist and gynaecologist. My endocrinologist also asked to remain informed, along with a second gynaecologist. Next month is also planned full with psychotherapist appointments, with my second psychotherapist (and neurologist) likely wanting updates or maybe getting me some updates. I don't want to harbour hope that this time something will change. Yet it must.

After giving up on the contraceptive pill, ibuprofen and mostly on diclofenac, I have now found a temporary pain reprieve in CBD - cannabidiol, a cannabinoid extracted from cannabis. I'm slowly beginning to understand why medical marijuana is a thing. CBD manages to knock down the daily pains and numbness a few notches to where I can somewhat function and focus again. Yet it's not a solution.


The pain, sensitivity and numbness that used to just plague my right side has been gradually spreading to my left side as well. It doesn't go away in between monthly cycles any more either. I still don't know what causes it and how much internal damage I'm possibly suffering each day that it is not being treated.

Today is Christmas. Yet I'm not feeling very cheerful. Not when one has to confront such comforting thoughts such as this possibly being my last Christmas. With the enthusiasm doctors have shown for my case so far, I am not hopeful that they'll get to the right conclusion in time if what is happening to me turns out to be fatal. And even if it's not, I might end up paralysed or incapable of functioning any more without extreme painkillers, judging by how my situation has progressed so far.

Being in this much pain and discomfort, along with frequent nausea, dizziness, headaches and a near-complete lack of appetite make that just maintaining my body to keep to the status quo as much as possible is taking nearly all of my attention and energy.


Sure, I'm also supposed to find a new job, and I might get kicked out of this apartment soon, but first things first. If my body isn't doing well, then that makes everything else seem rather minor. It's amazing how intense pain refocuses one's priorities, I guess. If survival takes becoming homeless, then that's a price worth paying. I think. Yet being dead because one didn't prioritise one's body over everything else is also such a bummer.


For the coming months I pray that things somehow work out. That the doctors do take my condition seriously and that the cause of these pains and numbness is found and treated. That the new job thing works out and that I may even find a real home again in the process. That my daily life will no longer be darkened by having a faltering body.

Hoping for the kindness and understanding of others, I guess.


May the gods have mercy on my soul.


Maya