Tuesday, 15 May 2018

The child, the adult, the tears

The child who's crying in the dark room, as the sound of the angry man's voice still reverberates in their mind. The sensation of adult hands painfully clasping around their limbs and grasping at their body remains, as does the realisation of being all alone in the world. None of this is right. None of this will get better.

The same person, years later, finding themselves back in that same room. Crying. Feeling the pain all over, as they anticipate the next act of violence. What can one do but submit oneself to those adults? You're just a child. They know better. They have the strength.

Dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder is... well, you're not really dealing with it. Especially for childhood traumas it's just something that is there. It's become such an integral part of who and what you are that it's almost inconceivable that you can ever change.

I know that all of those horrible things which I remember, all of those sensations, that they are a thing of the past. That those adults who hurt and harmed me can no longer do so.

Yet today as I got the conclusion in the eviction case against me, I'm right back in that dark room, crying and feeling violated. I haven't even looked at it beyond the summary provided by my lawyer, and I'm already in such a state. I will have to wait until tomorrow, to read through it together with my psychotherapist. It's too dangerous for me to do it by myself.

Even though I already know from the summary that I can stay in this apartment, just nothing about any fines yet, it's not about those details. It's about the experience, of being dragged through the mud for two years, of having my integrity as a person question and having felt terrified for all that time that something horrible might happen to me any day now. Of feeling adrift and uncertain about my future.

If there's a bright spot in all of this it has to be that my search for a new job may have resulted in me scoring something pretty close to a dream job. Next week I'll be flying over for an on-site assessment. With any luck I'll not only get the job, but also assistance with finding and moving to a new home.

I'm honestly looking forward to this, and the positive impact it would have on my psyche. In some ways it'd feel like a little bit of justice still exists in this world.


1 comment:

Tom Farrier said...

I've seen the pictures you posted. You are in no way the person lacking integrity here. I'm not sure how the other parties can look at themselves in the mirror every day.

Hopefully you'll find that not every touch means harm, and that at least some caring can come from people who don't want or need to touch you to show it.