Wednesday, 16 July 2008

Fine, I Get The Hint...

I don't feel that I can keep up pretending that things are different from how they truly are. Through some kind of foolish hope I kept wishing for people to just step up, show their interest in my general health and happiness and do everything in their power to help me. So far this hasn't happened and it never will.

The past years I've written to dozens of newspapers, TV-channels and now to my first news site as well (, all resulting in a resounding desinterest in my entire existence. Okay, so that's the media, which is supposed to be cold and heartless. What about people around me? Aside from dozens of them proclaiming how they feel sorry for me and telling me to hang on because things are bound to get better, I get zero support. Medically, then? The medical specialists whose task it is to help those with issues only they can resolve. I've seen more psychologists, endocrinologists and other specialists than I care to remember. With my visit to the AMC next week I'll have visited 7 hospitals over this issue, with only the visit to Germany being actually useful.

I'm through with this all... the past days it's sinking in that nobody is going to help me, that this issue will never be resolved (shut up with your 'it's going to be fine, just hang on') and that I've got such a horrifically disfigured body that I just can't live with it. I don't want this body anymore, it's useless, a stone around my neck which'll drag me down to my doom.

Unfortunately it's also the one thing keeping my brain alive, so that leaves me with the remaining option, to just end everything. There's no point in my existence anyway. Nobody cares whether I exist or not (don't tell me you do care, because it's just a lie) and frankly, at this point I'm losing all interest in my own existence. So what if I finish these projects I'm working on right now or not? I'll never make enough money to even live on my own, not in this rapidly degrading mental state I'm in. Everything I do is useless, pointless nonsense, just like this entire world.

I don't want to go on anymore...



Adriana said...

Not to sound offensive but you just complain. Yes, life is hard Maya, and it's hard on everyone in many different ways.

You sound like you believe they MUST help you. I don't think anybody has an obligation to help you yet they're trying. Don't be like that, saying how your friends don't care about you, because, even if they're not solving your issues, they're still there supporting you. You should be a little thankful that at least there are some people, even if they're not specialists or whatever, that are interested in you and wanting you to be happy. Sure, you may be the one with the condition, that so far as I know doesn't stop you from doing the basic things of life, but at least you have people who care about you and you're not alone.

Yes, I know the traumas and whatnot stop you from finishing your job sometimes. But you know that, if you weren't your own boss, personal problems wouldn't matter and you wouldn't even be excused for it. Not saying you should hide your problems. What I'm saying is that we all have shit to deal with and we're trying to make the best out of life anyway. And not to sound mean but, you seem to be sinking in your problems rather than raising above them.

Maya Posch said...

How long could you remain afloat if you found yourself adrift in the ocean without a life jacket? How long until you'd decide that it's been enough and allow the waters to close above you?

And where do you get the idea from what I'm trying to force others to help me? I'm just saying that what I'm experiencing is just akin to people ignoring someone getting beaten up in the middle of the street. I didn't start a complaint against the VUMC for no reason.

Do you know how many people I talk to on a daily basis, real people, not online? Only my housemate. Would I like to change this? You bet. Do my efforts pay off? Absolutely not. People seem to get more distant from me the more I try to get closer to them. I've reduced my online presence by quitting Facebook, Hyves and MSN, because they form entirely negative experiences.

But of course I'm just whining and asking for attention so you can safely ignore anything I just said. That I would have the nerve to ever speak my thoughts. Absolutely despicable. I shall quit my blog as well and all other forms of 'drawing attention'. Would that satisfy you?

Adriana said...

Would that satisfy you?

"How long could you remain afloat if you found yourself adrift in the ocean without a life jacket? How long until you'd decide that it's been enough and allow the waters to close above you?"
- I'm still breathing. Am I not? It's life. It will never be enough.

I'm not saying you're 'trying to force others' but you sound like you feel there's an obligation and very ungrateful with the people that HAVE tried to be your friends or tried to help you either way.

Maya, you're smart. You know this. You have your own company. You're your own boss. You could be more successful. Why not work towards that? Get more money, save money, get your surgery done. Or I don't know, something more simple like finding a way to have a German specialist check you out, as it seems like Dutch ones are either too scared to try to figure it out or they just have no idea.