I don't feel that I can keep up pretending that things are different from how they truly are. Through some kind of foolish hope I kept wishing for people to just step up, show their interest in my general health and happiness and do everything in their power to help me. So far this hasn't happened and it never will.
The past years I've written to dozens of newspapers, TV-channels and now to my first news site as well (Slashdot.org), all resulting in a resounding desinterest in my entire existence. Okay, so that's the media, which is supposed to be cold and heartless. What about people around me? Aside from dozens of them proclaiming how they feel sorry for me and telling me to hang on because things are bound to get better, I get zero support. Medically, then? The medical specialists whose task it is to help those with issues only they can resolve. I've seen more psychologists, endocrinologists and other specialists than I care to remember. With my visit to the AMC next week I'll have visited 7 hospitals over this issue, with only the visit to Germany being actually useful.
I'm through with this all... the past days it's sinking in that nobody is going to help me, that this issue will never be resolved (shut up with your 'it's going to be fine, just hang on') and that I've got such a horrifically disfigured body that I just can't live with it. I don't want this body anymore, it's useless, a stone around my neck which'll drag me down to my doom.
Unfortunately it's also the one thing keeping my brain alive, so that leaves me with the remaining option, to just end everything. There's no point in my existence anyway. Nobody cares whether I exist or not (don't tell me you do care, because it's just a lie) and frankly, at this point I'm losing all interest in my own existence. So what if I finish these projects I'm working on right now or not? I'll never make enough money to even live on my own, not in this rapidly degrading mental state I'm in. Everything I do is useless, pointless nonsense, just like this entire world.
I don't want to go on anymore...