Hope?

Yesterday was the appointment with doctor Gijs at the VUMC hospital. He turned out to be a psychologist. The appointment lasted around 1.5 hours. During it Pieter mostly talked for me as soon I was overwhelmed by emotions and later 'slipped away', i.e. I was aware of my surroundings, but couldn't respond to anything, something which happens to me during times of great stress.

Doctor Gijs basically claimed that he wanted to see this resolved as well, and he seemed to understand at least that I'm not a bloody, filthy transsexual... thing. He said he'd arrange a meeting with other members of the gender team, during which their interpretation of the MRI images would be clarified.

I can't forget, however, about the last letter I received from the VUMC, in which was claimed that the members of the gender team had discussed my case and concluded that there was no indication that I could possibly be intersexual. It feels like they have judged me already. I can feel not even a spark of hope inside, not after the appointment or the rest of yesterday, or today.

My dreams the past months still feature me as a feature- and faceless person. What irks me immensely is when a specialist says that 'there's nothing odd with my body' or that I'm 'biologically/medically a man'. Such statements go in against everything that _is_ wrong. My body isn't even pretending to be male, and never has. I want to know why, but those who can provide me with answers systematically deny that there is anything wrong at all. That's what frustrates me... if I ever bring harm to myself, it will be largely because the frustration due to that will grow too strong.

I'm a faceless, disgusting freak surrounded by people living their uneventful lives, further frustrating me by being what I can never become.

I'm so tired...


Maya