Tired...

Today I had my second appointment at the VUMC with doctor Gijs. Pieter accompanied me again, for which I am intensely grateful. Last night I hardly slept at all, merely dozed a bit through the night.

Once at the hospital I collapsed already in the waiting room, initially feeling like I was going to hyperventilate, then bursting out in tears right before doctor Gijs arrived. The conversation with doctor Gijs was akin to the previous time, with him trying to prepare me for the conclusion that there may be no medical explanation for my body, which would make me medically 'male', and significantly limit my options with surgery.

The fact that in Germany they saw something completely different on the MRI scan in two clinics during three reviews than the radiologists here in the Netherlands apparently doesn't warrant the need to contact those clinics to discuss this. I don't feel like I can trust anything concluded based on those MRI images. Dr Gijs will prepare an appointment with a radiologist who will walk me through his interpretation of the MRI images on the 20th next month.

I have asked for more tests, including a chimera test, something the VUMC claimed four years would be too expensive. It wasn't their first lie to me. Dr Gijs at least somewhat understood the trouble I have with trusting the VUMC. Near the end of the appointment he said that it could take a while in such a way that it triggered something nasty inside me. I suddenly got angry, yelled that four years was long enough already and left the room.

I sat down on a bench in the hallway outside the room and waited for Pieter. He told me to return to the room, which I did. Once inside we talked a bit more, but I don't remember too much of it any more, as I was crying nearly the whole time. I felt so miserable and intensely wanted to get rid of everything 'fake', anything that wasn't true, not really part of my body, to not even attempt to become more female than I am right now. I'm not sure how to explain the feeling. I felt so tired...

Once home I felt tired and depressed. I tried to sleep, but I felt too miserable and had a bad headache which prevented me from sleeping at all. I'm basically running on fumes at this point. Tomorrow I'll make an appointment with my GP, to update her on today's 'progress', as well as on the strange stabbing pains I keep experiencing in various limbs and my abdomen. I will also discuss my near-daily use of anti-acid pills for my stomach for the past months, and my sleeping pill usage. I'm taking so many pills now I feel like a junkie. Only thing missing are sedatives to keep me from harming myself.

I feel disgusted with my body. Today has reinforced in an extreme way that I am indeed a disgusting freak, with no place in society, or even a right to exist. I'm a gross, undefinable mistake. Life is and will always be a hell to me. I'm crazy for not having ended it sooner. Blame my rational side for still finding interesting things to do, I guess.

Hope? Don't be ridiculous...


Maya