End Of An Era

Today marks the end of an era. Five years of attempts to get basic tests performed at various hospitals here in the Netherlands. Five years of trying to get people to listen to me. No more.

In the letter I got on Friday from the UMCG they suggested that I might go there again to discuss matters. This week the question was whether or not I would go to another appointment there. Considering how the UMCG has not executed both items they had promised (mosaic test and MRI discussion), not offering further research or testing and thus not answering my request for help, I can see no reason to go back there.

Yesterday night it further became clear to me how much these recent events with the UMCG have affected me. While discussing the above question with Pieter we somewhat got into an argument on whether or not to go to the UMCG again, near the end of which I pretty much ran downstairs to my room and just stood there for a while, feeling absolutely miserable. After some time I decided to lie down on my bed and stayed there until Pieter came downstairs to check on me and inform me that the tea was ready. What happened next still frightens me.

As usual Pieter managed to bring a smile to my face, yet then I felt the tears making their way out again. Thinking that I was just going to cry a bit to let out the tension I didn't resist. At first that was all I did, but then I began to feel such a rage inside me that I began to kick and punch around me, at one point coming very close to attacking Pieter. I then cowered against the wall right next to my bed, followed by punching and clawing at the wall as though I was trying to find a way inside it.

I have never experienced anything like this before. Only afterwards did I notice that I had injured my right shoulder pretty painfully, not to mention my sore hands and arms. Pieter also got hit a few times, including a kick to his shin. He chose to let me calm down on my own, though, instead of holding me down. I have commented before on how I felt like there was some kind of darkness inside. This last experience was more akin to a demon. I was aware of my actions, but I don't think I could have stopped myself except with extreme effort. I really hope I don't ever have to experience it again.

Considering the intense emotions dealing with Dutch hospitals seems to unleash in me I have decided together with my GP whom I spoke to today, that it would not be a wise decision to have further contact with the UMCG. I have sent an email informing the UMCG of this decision.

The next step will be to find a private clinic here in the Netherlands or elsewhere which can perform the mosaic test for me, and hopefully do something with the MRI images as well. A friend in the US is asking some people he knows, one of them works in a national health laboratory and has contacts in the Netherlands, of what they deem to be the proper strategy here, and what the best place for the required tests would be.

I have no idea how much it is going to cost me, nor exactly where I'll get the money from, but I do know that this way the required tests can be performed in a few months time, finally giving me the answers I seek. I'm so angry that those retarded hospitals have cost me five years of my life I'll never get back, with nothing to show for it except this stupid PTSD. I want nothing more right now than to move on with productive things instead of seeking the confrontation with people who hate me anyway.


Maya