It's strange how things go, and I mean really strange. One moment you will think that nothing can possibly improve the situation you're in, the next moment something happens which turns that notion completely upside-down and possibly inside-out as well. Such is the case with my mental state and its effect on my physical condition which I loudly complained about in my last post and no doubt many times before that.
There's such a thing as a downwards spiral, a system of reinforcing negative impulses, which in my case consisted out of starting out with very little to build upon, being faced with a quite monumental task of constructing something out of nothing, coupled with an immense uncertainty about what I am and what my place in society, nay, in this world might be. With the deck stacked pretty much fully against me I nevertheless was inspired to change matters for the better.
Then things came crashing down. My dreams of finding my place in this world got crushed by the ignorance and prejudice which exists in the medical and political systems. My dreams of establishing a successful software company, start even more involved projects and change the world got a wake-up call too and came to face the harsh reality of deadlines, delays, project management, resources and heavens know what else. Trying to be anything but a good little grey, irrelevant cog in the gigantic machine we call 'humanity' is like kicking and screaming and raging against the uncaring walls of a prison cell. Even those we call 'celebrities' generally are just that, happy little cogs we can use for inspiration to become even more happy little cogs.
This all wasn't good enough for me. I could not adapt to such a dreary, hopeless and crushing existence, or lack thereof. I wanted to make a difference, to live instead of merely exist. And yet with everything I did and decided I found that I drifted further away from my goals. With my body, if I had just shut up and pretended to be a regular boy I wouldn't still be in the middle of this war with so many bigots, ignorant, prejudiced and uncaring people, with far too many casualties on my side already.
If I had just done a regular study and pushed away my giftedness, I could have a grey, dreary job like all those other good little drones out there. I could have a grey, dreary relationship with a good little cog. And I would be completely, utterly unhappy.
Yet I persisted in my rebellion. I was going to see my dreams come true, even if I had to perish in the line of duty. Yet the strain of this ongoing war and the many lost battles had taken their toll. I was emotionally shattered, rationally strained and above all drained to the point where the stress was beginning to show its effects on my body, a clear sign that without much needed reinforcements I would be losing this war of attrition.
Feeling drained means having little motivation, with even small tasks feeling like too much of a burden to take on. A passive response seems much easier and is very easy, far too easily given in to. With the lack of motivation little gets accomplished. When consequently reflecting on one's accomplishments one gets more despirited, which leads to even less energy and motivation. Thus even less gets accomplished and one gets even more despirited until at some point there's only rock bottom and the curtains fall.
That's the situation I was, and still somewhat am in. A small miracle seems to have occurred, however, resulting from a sudden wave of inspiration. I do not remember what gave me the idea, but last Saturday I was standing there in the supermarket, looking for those fabled energy drinks and taking a few to sample them. I wouldn't be disappointed by their effects.
I have no idea how these drinks work for other people, but in my case it seems to have had an almost miraculous effect. The feeling of being exhausted during the day has vanished, I find it much easier to breathe, I don't seem to get this tight sensation on my chest any more, I feel energetic from the moment I wake up until I go to bed and generally just feel nearly normal. I also have a far higher resistance against my PTSD triggers, as I experienced a few hours ago.
It's as though the mental barrier I have put up between the stable and unstable (frustrated) parts of my psyche has been heavily reinforced, with the latter having almost no grasp on the former any more. The past few days I have been working on the new website's content management system almost continuously, something which had been impossible for me for months, if not years already.
At this point I'm drinking 250 ml of these energy drinks a day, or basically one can. I feel like I have been given a second chance. And not a moment too soon.
I pray that now I can successfully finish the ECD game project. From the looks of things we'll have at least one more month of development time, assuming the 3D artist we got working for us at the moment comes through on this promise of churning out models, and the level designers bother to respond. Heaven knowns we can still use more 3D artists familiar with Maya, 3D Studio Max and kin, as well as level designers, sound artists (BGM, SFX) and who knows what else. I'd be more than happy to finish the new website as well.
Today I finished most of the network code which facilitates the synchronization between the testing (administration) and production sides of the new Nyanko CMS. Tomorrow I won't get to do much work as I'll be going with Pieter to some exposition featuring a lot of different subjects. Supposedly it's aimed at families, but a number of companies involved in home organs are also present, which is the primary reason why Pieter is going there.
I have considered staying at home and working instead, but it may be a good thing for me to get out a bit, meet people and such. Which reminds me this thought which keeps flashing through my mind; how things are going to change after that article on me gets published in the country's largest newspaper next week, and around a million people will suddenly know about me. How will things change if they start to recognize me? To put it plainly, will I hear people whispering behind my back, approach me on the street, see people staring at my nether parts when I'm at the swimming pool?
My media appearances can really turn my life as it is now upside-down. How do I feel about shedding these worn-out, familiar clothes and trying on something new? What if TV channels and magazines suddenly approach me, even international and foreign ones, and I really become a kind of spokesperson for people like me, this large group of people who right now don't really belong anywhere and don't have a voice. What if the fame will skyrocket me out of this current existence of living on welfare and I'll actually be able to live like a real human being? Frankly I feel all giddy and stuff inside at the mere thought of this.
I'm more than thrilled at the prospect of meeting new challenges, of discovering more about myself and of seeing how far those new wings might take me towards my dreams.
In the mean time, however, the best I have got are the pics in my site's gallery of me prancing around in a dress while wearing cat ears. I consider that something of a personal victory in itself already :)