Sunday, 28 February 2010

Searing Pain

The past few days I have been feeling as though I'm literally being torn into two separate parts, with each going its own way. Thanks to the energy I gain from the energy drinks my mental resistance is much higher, about on the level it was 5-6 years ago, I'd estimate. Back then I also was still withdrawn into myself, with my emotional side being pretty much non-functional. Nowadays my emotional side has grown and evolved since that time, yet the most I feel from it is this searing, at times almost unbearable pain. It's as though I hear a thousand voices all talking and screaming and yelling simultaneously with hundreds of suggestions, many involving violence against myself or others, or involving giving up, to quit eating and drinking, to just leave the house and wander around until... I don't know what.

What I have also noticed is that physical pain really worsens this sensation. For example when I discovered today at the pool that my injured elbow hasn't healed yet (injured it last week at the pool), I began to feel really terrible and almost depressed. When I suffered severe abdominal cramps a few nights ago some part of me convinced myself that I was dying and that it was okay because nothing matters any more anyway. These feelings pass after a good night's sleep or nap, or when I'm doing or talking to someone interesting.

What has changed since I began to take these energy drinks is that for months my emotional side, or whatever you want to call this ball of frustration inside me, had been controlling almost every single conscious thought. Now it no longer does this. I can fight and control it. Only when I consciously allow it to express itself does something happen. The past few days I have allowed myself to cry and express my frustrations. I still think that it's scary how extreme these frustrations are. They are truly something which could destroy me if I'm not careful, or if my situation worsens some more due to external influences.

Rationally I'm completely convinced that what the UMCG hospital is doing right now is utterly wrong and counterproductive. What my emotional side would benefit from the most is a quick series of exhaustive tests, acknowledgment on a medical, social and political level of who and what I am. Instead it's nearly a year since the UMCG started looking at my case. It'll be another year before they may possibly have finished their urological tests, if they are going to do any at all. This all only serves to remind me that my case isn't relevant, that nobody who matters understands what I'm going through and that they could and would harm me beyond repair while remaining blissfully unaware of the fact that they have just destroyed a life.

On which note, the UMCG has suggested multiple times by multiple people that they could 'help' me figure out how to deal with the 'facts' of my case and how to base my life around it. To this I can only say that it makes me laugh in despair to think that they seem to live in the illusion that for someone like me, who has virtually no facts about her (his? Its?) body and who doesn't even exist officially (identity-wise, medical acknowledgment), can have anything to base anything around. It's more like trying to base one's life around a black hole. There is absolutely nothing inside of me, no self-image, no notion of an identity, no place in society, no feeling of belonging. Only the curse of my giftedness and the mental powers which come with it. I can honestly see things as they are now only end in either the destruction of myself, or that of my emotional side. It's like a game of chicken, only with my life as the stakes.

Next Friday my article in 'De Telegraaf' will be published. It definitely increases the anxiety I'm feeling. I notice how I measure lots of things like doing groceries and going to the swimming pool in 'before' and 'after' its publication. If nothing happens afterwards, though, I can't imagine the bitterness I'd be feeling.

I'm so afraid...


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